Good Morning All,
Two years ago today I was laying in pain in the hospital bed after being in there for over 24 hours in labor with our daughter, Evangeline. Though it was great pain because there wasn't much they could do (medicine wise for me due to us being only 32 weeks) I didn't care because I knew that my finale hours with her were coming to a quick end. I did what I could to keep her here longer with me. Around 5:30 she was born. We didn't know what to expect, meaning will she been coherent, responsive? I didn't set my expectations too high. When that little 3 pound 6 ounce baby girl came into the world she came out with a cry or three. :) What a blessing to hear those cries! (All praise to our Lord for that). They quickly placed her in my arms (no clean up) we didn't know how long we had with her. I immediately fell in love. I said "Hi sweet baby"! She had her eyes opened briefly but enough for few minutes and know that her Daddy and I were there with her. We packed as much talking and loving on her as possible. We sang her every possible little kid song made, told her just how much she was loved and wanted. A little bit past 6 PM I had a feeling that she had passed on. She was so little and her breathing was so small to begin with but I just knew when she had left us. The most bittersweet experience had happened at that moment. I had physically lost my little girl who I carried for all of 32 weeks. A little girl that I had big plans with. A little girl that I wouldn't see grow up to become a toddler, bigger girl, teenager, woman, wife and a mommy. All of those precious experiences that I wouldn't get left my arms. As time has gone on (2 years worth) I still sometimes have those moments when I see little girls that would be around her age and I sit and day dream about EJ. Would she be running around like a mad woman just chatting away to me? Would she be a girly girl like her momma or would she be a bit of a tom boy? Sometimes I just go there with my thoughts. It's hard sometimes to watch TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress". My mind goes to "that's a joy that I wont be able to share with my Evangeline". It's so not easy missing someone so much. And not just a "somebody" but a child, your child. After a lot of time and a whole LOT of healing through the grace of God alone my mind chooses to focus on the following positives more then the negatives. Evangeline in one day met her mommy, daddy and her Heavenly Father. She spends every single moment with our Creator King. She isn't in any pain, suffering, heart ache etc. She will never know any hurt. She is protected. She gets to run the streets of gold hand in hand with Jesus. What could ever be possibly better then that??? NOTHING! So, in my mind and especially after reading "Heaven is for Real" I believe that she not only is up there with our Lord, I believe she is running, dancing, laughing, singing, playing and praising ALLLLL DAY LOONNGG! I believe she is a typical toddler that is wearing everyone out up there (especially her Great Paw-Paw Baston).
Almost everyday when Shepard wakes up we look at the picture of EJ hanging on his nursery wall and say "Good Morning, EJ Girl"! I sing a song to him that I made up a long time ago when I use to watch babies that you sing the name of the baby and you say "yay" with their name. So it would go, "Yay for the babies, yay! Yay for Shepard yay! Yay for EJ yay". Very simple but hey it kept the attention of many of a baby. Anyway, when we get to her name he just gives the biggest smile. He already loves his big sister and hes all of 9 months old. I still to this day sleep with her blanket and I may always do that. When I bring Shepard into our bed to hangout for a bit, he always goes over to her blanket and just puts his head on it and loves on it. At first I wondered how I would respond to him touching my most sacred possession. I acted the way any Mom in my situation would act...it melted my heart and brought me tears of joy. That blanket along with a few other things is the only "tangible" connection he will ever have to her here. He is a gentle boy. I think he gets it.
I want to end this special blog with a BIG thank you to all of our family, friends and everyone in between that has been there with us over the last couple of years. You all know who you are and you all are the best! I love the way a lot of you have loved on EJ and kept her sweet memory alive. She made a BIG impact on so many. She will always live in our hearts, thoughts and lives. She is great and precious. She is my sweet baby girl. Heaven is just that much sweeter for me and my eternity with Jesus.
Happy Birthday, Evangeline! Your brief life made a long lasting impact on not only on your Mommy & Daddy but people all over the world. I love you more than all the words in all the books in all the world!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Five months of baby bliss!
Hello friends!
Wow! It's been a long time since my last post! I've been busy with my little man, Shepard! :) He is great! Shepard was born on September 14, 2012 at 10:58 AM. He weighed 8pds 3oz and was 21 1/2 inches long! Big boy for a little me. ;) I had to have through a c section because as the doctor put it "he was wedged in there pretty good". I was a bit scared because I have never been through a major surgery before. As they were working on getting Shepard out I heard the doctor say "He's got my scissors"! I said "who has your scissors ( apart of me was thinking that I was so heavily drugged that I was not hearing things right). He said "Your son has them"! Shepard literally reached up and grabbed a hold of them with his now legendary kong-fu grip. Let's just say the doctor has never seen something like that before and we were about to take a picture of it which is hanging in our dinning room collage and in Dr. Beavin's office wall. haha! Shepard from day one has been a wonderful baby. He is very easy going! He is by fault a Momma's boy. :) I prayed to have a close bond with him when he was in the womb and so far we are like two peas in a pod. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. He is growing up so fast. I always heard parents say that their kids grow up so quickly and to cherish each moment. Until you have a child of your own you really cannot grasp that. I find myself staring a him a thousand times a day. Just in awe of him and of our Creator for placing him in our lives and giving us the chance to be his parents and to raise him. There is nothing better in my book than being his parent. I find myself a lot of the time when he's asleep upstairs and we're down in the living room missing him. How crazy is that? We are still working on a sleep schedule through the night. Daytime I pretty much have him on a tight schedule. I'm still breast feeding him and I bring this part up for any woman that maybe reading this that is thinking about breast feeding or maybe in the beginning stages of it. I read before having Shepard that a lot of mom's will quit in the first 3 weeks because it is hard and time consuming. I told Josh if I got to the point that I was going to quit to encourage me to push through. That time did come around about week 2. I said to him "that's it I'm done"! He brought up to me what I asked him to say and in my hormonal/sleepless state I turned into a crazed person and said "you just don't get it. you're a man"! lol Poor Josh! But I did stick with it and with the encouragement of other mommies I pushed through and now I look forward to Shep and mommy time with his feedings. Again, God is amazing with how he designed a woman's body to grow a baby, deliver baby and feed a baby.I just feel so blessed to have this opportunity to raise Shepard. In all honestly though I have great faith in the Lord, there were parts of me that thought I'd never get this chance. I'm so glad He did. He knew the desires of my heart and it was in His perfect timing that He sent Shepard. And for that I am thankful and a believer in miracles. I honestly could go on and on but I don't want to bore you. ;)
I feel like I'm trying to cram so much into one blog which isn't easy to sum up five months. I'm going to try to do better and to use this blog to keep family, friends and those that may read it up to date.
Here are some pics of my sweet boy!
Just a joy! :)
I before closing on this blog would love to give a shout out to my Blogging Momma friend Heather Moes who I've never met in person but bonded with in my darkest time and her darkest time with losing our little ones. Heather and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby in late spring! I couldn't be happier! She will be a wonderful earthly momma to Roo! :)
I hope this finds everyone well! Sorry for the rambles! Until next time...
Wow! It's been a long time since my last post! I've been busy with my little man, Shepard! :) He is great! Shepard was born on September 14, 2012 at 10:58 AM. He weighed 8pds 3oz and was 21 1/2 inches long! Big boy for a little me. ;) I had to have through a c section because as the doctor put it "he was wedged in there pretty good". I was a bit scared because I have never been through a major surgery before. As they were working on getting Shepard out I heard the doctor say "He's got my scissors"! I said "who has your scissors ( apart of me was thinking that I was so heavily drugged that I was not hearing things right). He said "Your son has them"! Shepard literally reached up and grabbed a hold of them with his now legendary kong-fu grip. Let's just say the doctor has never seen something like that before and we were about to take a picture of it which is hanging in our dinning room collage and in Dr. Beavin's office wall. haha! Shepard from day one has been a wonderful baby. He is very easy going! He is by fault a Momma's boy. :) I prayed to have a close bond with him when he was in the womb and so far we are like two peas in a pod. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. He is growing up so fast. I always heard parents say that their kids grow up so quickly and to cherish each moment. Until you have a child of your own you really cannot grasp that. I find myself staring a him a thousand times a day. Just in awe of him and of our Creator for placing him in our lives and giving us the chance to be his parents and to raise him. There is nothing better in my book than being his parent. I find myself a lot of the time when he's asleep upstairs and we're down in the living room missing him. How crazy is that? We are still working on a sleep schedule through the night. Daytime I pretty much have him on a tight schedule. I'm still breast feeding him and I bring this part up for any woman that maybe reading this that is thinking about breast feeding or maybe in the beginning stages of it. I read before having Shepard that a lot of mom's will quit in the first 3 weeks because it is hard and time consuming. I told Josh if I got to the point that I was going to quit to encourage me to push through. That time did come around about week 2. I said to him "that's it I'm done"! He brought up to me what I asked him to say and in my hormonal/sleepless state I turned into a crazed person and said "you just don't get it. you're a man"! lol Poor Josh! But I did stick with it and with the encouragement of other mommies I pushed through and now I look forward to Shep and mommy time with his feedings. Again, God is amazing with how he designed a woman's body to grow a baby, deliver baby and feed a baby.I just feel so blessed to have this opportunity to raise Shepard. In all honestly though I have great faith in the Lord, there were parts of me that thought I'd never get this chance. I'm so glad He did. He knew the desires of my heart and it was in His perfect timing that He sent Shepard. And for that I am thankful and a believer in miracles. I honestly could go on and on but I don't want to bore you. ;)
I feel like I'm trying to cram so much into one blog which isn't easy to sum up five months. I'm going to try to do better and to use this blog to keep family, friends and those that may read it up to date.
Here are some pics of my sweet boy!
I before closing on this blog would love to give a shout out to my Blogging Momma friend Heather Moes who I've never met in person but bonded with in my darkest time and her darkest time with losing our little ones. Heather and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby in late spring! I couldn't be happier! She will be a wonderful earthly momma to Roo! :)
I hope this finds everyone well! Sorry for the rambles! Until next time...
Thursday, September 13, 2012
A letter of love to my little Shepard...
Dear Shepard Joshua,
This time tomorrow you, your Daddy and I will be at the hospital and getting to know each other more. I cannot believe that I've carried you for 39 weeks! That's 273 days! I have loved every minute carrying you. There were times in the very beginning I was afraid and holding onto hope that you would stay with me. I was looking through a text with a friend back in February that I had to cancel our dinner because I was on a slight bed rest with you. I prayed and prayed that God will let me keep you. I did whatever I could down here to make my womb a comfortable home for you. When we found out at 16 weeks that all was going well with you and that you looked healthy it was the best day for us! I knew you were a little fighter. :) Looking back from the beginning with you to the day before I go in for our c section I cry. Good tears that is. To be blessed with a healthy baby that moves non stop amazes me. I don't take it for granted that I got to carry you this far. I must admit that I'm a little sad that my time carrying you in my womb is almost over. I'm eating up every moment of this time. I know seeing your face tomorrow, I'll forget all about those feelings but if it gives you any inkling of how much I love and wanted you then there it is. :)
There are so many people that cannot wait to meet you! Family and friends are coming to the hospital to get a glimpse of you. You are so loved! You're room is ready, bags are packed and car seat that has been in the car for a few weeks. We are as ready as two people could be to bring home a baby.
Your Daddy and I have been and will continue to pray for you. Your health, happiness and life are so important to us. We pray that we will raise you to be a Godly man, who loves the Lord with all of his heart and serves Him only. If you have even an ounce of your Daddy in you (though I know you'll be half of him) I won't worry a bit about who you'll be in the future. Your Daddy is a loving, gentle and God fearing man. He works hard to provide for us. He is loyal to me and all people around us. I pray you look up to him and become his best buddy. :) He is so excited to meet you!
I love you so much my sweet boy! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow! It will be a wonderful day! As I see you tomorrow I will also think of your beautiful sister Evangeline Joy. She will be with us in spirit. You already know a bit about her from our stories we have told you. She will always be a part of our lives. She is your "big" sis! :)
Praying for our day tomorrow! Your save journey into our arms and the guidnce of the doctor's hands.
Love you always and forever,
Your Mommy
This time tomorrow you, your Daddy and I will be at the hospital and getting to know each other more. I cannot believe that I've carried you for 39 weeks! That's 273 days! I have loved every minute carrying you. There were times in the very beginning I was afraid and holding onto hope that you would stay with me. I was looking through a text with a friend back in February that I had to cancel our dinner because I was on a slight bed rest with you. I prayed and prayed that God will let me keep you. I did whatever I could down here to make my womb a comfortable home for you. When we found out at 16 weeks that all was going well with you and that you looked healthy it was the best day for us! I knew you were a little fighter. :) Looking back from the beginning with you to the day before I go in for our c section I cry. Good tears that is. To be blessed with a healthy baby that moves non stop amazes me. I don't take it for granted that I got to carry you this far. I must admit that I'm a little sad that my time carrying you in my womb is almost over. I'm eating up every moment of this time. I know seeing your face tomorrow, I'll forget all about those feelings but if it gives you any inkling of how much I love and wanted you then there it is. :)
There are so many people that cannot wait to meet you! Family and friends are coming to the hospital to get a glimpse of you. You are so loved! You're room is ready, bags are packed and car seat that has been in the car for a few weeks. We are as ready as two people could be to bring home a baby.
Your Daddy and I have been and will continue to pray for you. Your health, happiness and life are so important to us. We pray that we will raise you to be a Godly man, who loves the Lord with all of his heart and serves Him only. If you have even an ounce of your Daddy in you (though I know you'll be half of him) I won't worry a bit about who you'll be in the future. Your Daddy is a loving, gentle and God fearing man. He works hard to provide for us. He is loyal to me and all people around us. I pray you look up to him and become his best buddy. :) He is so excited to meet you!
I love you so much my sweet boy! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow! It will be a wonderful day! As I see you tomorrow I will also think of your beautiful sister Evangeline Joy. She will be with us in spirit. You already know a bit about her from our stories we have told you. She will always be a part of our lives. She is your "big" sis! :)
Praying for our day tomorrow! Your save journey into our arms and the guidnce of the doctor's hands.
Love you always and forever,
Your Mommy
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Our Little Piece of America...
Hey Friends!
I'm typing to you all as I get ready for the task of packing. We are so excited about the new chapter in our life's with Shepard coming in 9 weeks or less and our first house! Josh and I have been home owners of a sweet condo for 6 yrs. We have loved our little place. :) We bought it foreclosed and did all the handy work pretty much by ourselves. We have had so many memories here. It has been a great place of peace and comfort to us. Our little deck over looks a large pond with cute ducks and geese...a lovely place to spend time with the Lord and or just to daze off into the nature He created. I will miss a lot here. We have been blessed to have found a sweet little family to come and rent our condo. We are truly excited about it! We know that they too are excited and that they will take excellent care of our home. :) They too can start making great memories here and continue on new stories for it to have.
The next month will be a whirlwind with moving into our new home and all the renovations we'll be doing. This one is a fixer upper too but who else would love a project like this? US! :) You have to be a visionary with this place. Josh and I are that couple that can see the diamond in the rough and can turn it into something absolutely beautiful. As Josh already says "It is already beautiful we are just making it even more so". The good part on a fixer upper is that you can design and create things the way you want them to be. We have been so patient in this process (all thanks be to God for that). ;) It will be nice to have our first house and one that we will grow into, not out of. I can't wait to bring Shepard home from the hospital to his house with his room. Starting new memories and with our little family is so exciting to me. It's been a crazy past year but we give God all the glory for the good and the bad. It has made us stronger and appreciate more of life and the little things that can be taken for granted.
I just wanted to update all of our friends that have been asking questions on our move. Not sure that I'll get the chance to blog anytime soon but I would love to share our before and after pictures when it's all said and done. Please keep us in your all's prayers as we navigate through these new and wonderful changes. I know it can be crazy doing all of this stuff right before giving birth but we want to keep a good and positive outlook on it. :)
I pray that all of you that read my blog are well! You guys are awesome! Even if we have never met, I think you're awesome! Blessings on you all!
Katie
I'm typing to you all as I get ready for the task of packing. We are so excited about the new chapter in our life's with Shepard coming in 9 weeks or less and our first house! Josh and I have been home owners of a sweet condo for 6 yrs. We have loved our little place. :) We bought it foreclosed and did all the handy work pretty much by ourselves. We have had so many memories here. It has been a great place of peace and comfort to us. Our little deck over looks a large pond with cute ducks and geese...a lovely place to spend time with the Lord and or just to daze off into the nature He created. I will miss a lot here. We have been blessed to have found a sweet little family to come and rent our condo. We are truly excited about it! We know that they too are excited and that they will take excellent care of our home. :) They too can start making great memories here and continue on new stories for it to have.
The next month will be a whirlwind with moving into our new home and all the renovations we'll be doing. This one is a fixer upper too but who else would love a project like this? US! :) You have to be a visionary with this place. Josh and I are that couple that can see the diamond in the rough and can turn it into something absolutely beautiful. As Josh already says "It is already beautiful we are just making it even more so". The good part on a fixer upper is that you can design and create things the way you want them to be. We have been so patient in this process (all thanks be to God for that). ;) It will be nice to have our first house and one that we will grow into, not out of. I can't wait to bring Shepard home from the hospital to his house with his room. Starting new memories and with our little family is so exciting to me. It's been a crazy past year but we give God all the glory for the good and the bad. It has made us stronger and appreciate more of life and the little things that can be taken for granted.
I just wanted to update all of our friends that have been asking questions on our move. Not sure that I'll get the chance to blog anytime soon but I would love to share our before and after pictures when it's all said and done. Please keep us in your all's prayers as we navigate through these new and wonderful changes. I know it can be crazy doing all of this stuff right before giving birth but we want to keep a good and positive outlook on it. :)
I pray that all of you that read my blog are well! You guys are awesome! Even if we have never met, I think you're awesome! Blessings on you all!
Katie
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Girl!
Dearest Evangeline Joy,
Today is your 1st birthday! I cannot believe that it's been a full year sense I last laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. For a parent this is the saddest thing possible. We miss you every single day, all 365 of them. It's been a tough year on us and your passing was the hardest part of it all. For we don't have the answers as to why you aren't with us to celebrate and eat cake and all of the fun things that families do at birthdays. The only thing that we do know in our hearts is that our God had bigger plans for you in Heaven. He wanted you. That's the only comfort that Mommy and Daddy get is that you are with Him and He is the greatest caregiver. We celebrated your life on Sunday. I wanted to make the day as special as I could. I even baked a cake for you! (Mommy hasn't done that sense your Grandma turned the BIG 4-0)! So, it was a big deal to say the least. ;) We all went out to your site and released balloons with special messages on them. I would like to think that maybe you could have gotten a tiny glimpse of the love for you that we all down here have. It was hard for both of us this morning. Daddy went to work for a few hours but came home to be with me, so we could have this time together just the two of us. Mommy didn't want to get out of bed, to tell you the truth. I checked my phone and had so many messages of love and support for us, that along with your precious brother, Shepard kicking me got me up and going. It was a sweet reminder of how great is our God for blessing us with Shepard. It made me cry out with thanksgiving for his life and for the time that I had with you in my belly just last year. Mommy and Daddy went out and spent time at your site for a while this afternoon. God gave us such a beautiful day to just sit and be still. We talked a lot about this past year, our growth, your life and the many questions we have for God when we get up to Heaven. Good conversation. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much! You will always be our first born, our sweet girl and the apple of our eye. You will never be forgotten in life. Your siblings will know all about you.
Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday, Princess Evangeline!
Love forever and Always,
Mommy
Here is a few pics from your party...
Today is your 1st birthday! I cannot believe that it's been a full year sense I last laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. For a parent this is the saddest thing possible. We miss you every single day, all 365 of them. It's been a tough year on us and your passing was the hardest part of it all. For we don't have the answers as to why you aren't with us to celebrate and eat cake and all of the fun things that families do at birthdays. The only thing that we do know in our hearts is that our God had bigger plans for you in Heaven. He wanted you. That's the only comfort that Mommy and Daddy get is that you are with Him and He is the greatest caregiver. We celebrated your life on Sunday. I wanted to make the day as special as I could. I even baked a cake for you! (Mommy hasn't done that sense your Grandma turned the BIG 4-0)! So, it was a big deal to say the least. ;) We all went out to your site and released balloons with special messages on them. I would like to think that maybe you could have gotten a tiny glimpse of the love for you that we all down here have. It was hard for both of us this morning. Daddy went to work for a few hours but came home to be with me, so we could have this time together just the two of us. Mommy didn't want to get out of bed, to tell you the truth. I checked my phone and had so many messages of love and support for us, that along with your precious brother, Shepard kicking me got me up and going. It was a sweet reminder of how great is our God for blessing us with Shepard. It made me cry out with thanksgiving for his life and for the time that I had with you in my belly just last year. Mommy and Daddy went out and spent time at your site for a while this afternoon. God gave us such a beautiful day to just sit and be still. We talked a lot about this past year, our growth, your life and the many questions we have for God when we get up to Heaven. Good conversation. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much! You will always be our first born, our sweet girl and the apple of our eye. You will never be forgotten in life. Your siblings will know all about you.
Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday, Princess Evangeline!
Love forever and Always,
Mommy
Here is a few pics from your party...
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Father's Day and thoughts...
Hey Friends and a Happy Father's Day to any Dad's reading this! :)
I've been thinking a lot this week on Father's Day and just reflecting back on life in general. Last Father's Day I was 31 weeks along with Evangeline and not knowing that the next weekend I would be in labor with her.We surely miss her all the time and even this past Mother's Day going into tomorrow it doesn't feel the same with out her here to celebrate along with us, For she is the first one to have given us the honor to have the titles "Mommy and Daddy". As I was doing my "thinking & reflecting" I thought how happy I am for Shepard who is (growing well in his temporary home) about how lucky he will be to have such an awesome earthly father in Josh. I could literally brag all day about my husband. :) Honestly though, Josh has been excited just as much as I about Shepard and being able to raise him. He already talks about what they'll do together in the way future. Josh is a Godly man that strives everyday and I mean EVERYDAY to be the best person, man, husband, son, brother and father. He is thoughtful, loving, compassionate for others and willing to serve at all times. I'm so blessed to have married someone that will be an excellent dad and someone that our son can and will look up to in the future. Thank you, Joshua James for being, well YOU! Evangeline, Shepard and I love you very much and are blessed that you are and have been a huge part of our lives.
Now, to thank my Heavenly Father...
Lord, I love you so much! You have blessed me a lot in life. You have pulled me through some deep valleys in the past but you have never left me or forsaken me. I haven't always given you what you deserve back and I'm still a work in progress but I do desire to give all of me to you. My heart, soul and my life.Thank you for giving me life! Happy Father's Day to you! :)
Happy Father's Day to my Dad, my granddad's that are no longer with us to my Father in Law, Jim and Josh's PawPaw Elkins.
Father's love the fire out of your kids, no matter how young or old they are. I have learned through the last couple of years that we are kids, boy or girl get our identity though our earthy father. Pour into your kids lives. They are the biggest blessing that our Heavenly Father can give. Invest!!
Till next time friends....
Katie
I've been thinking a lot this week on Father's Day and just reflecting back on life in general. Last Father's Day I was 31 weeks along with Evangeline and not knowing that the next weekend I would be in labor with her.We surely miss her all the time and even this past Mother's Day going into tomorrow it doesn't feel the same with out her here to celebrate along with us, For she is the first one to have given us the honor to have the titles "Mommy and Daddy". As I was doing my "thinking & reflecting" I thought how happy I am for Shepard who is (growing well in his temporary home) about how lucky he will be to have such an awesome earthly father in Josh. I could literally brag all day about my husband. :) Honestly though, Josh has been excited just as much as I about Shepard and being able to raise him. He already talks about what they'll do together in the way future. Josh is a Godly man that strives everyday and I mean EVERYDAY to be the best person, man, husband, son, brother and father. He is thoughtful, loving, compassionate for others and willing to serve at all times. I'm so blessed to have married someone that will be an excellent dad and someone that our son can and will look up to in the future. Thank you, Joshua James for being, well YOU! Evangeline, Shepard and I love you very much and are blessed that you are and have been a huge part of our lives.
I love this pic with Josh with EJ. You cannot see much of him but you get the sweetness of it. Evangeline resting in her Daddy's arms.
Now, to thank my Heavenly Father...
Lord, I love you so much! You have blessed me a lot in life. You have pulled me through some deep valleys in the past but you have never left me or forsaken me. I haven't always given you what you deserve back and I'm still a work in progress but I do desire to give all of me to you. My heart, soul and my life.Thank you for giving me life! Happy Father's Day to you! :)
Happy Father's Day to my Dad, my granddad's that are no longer with us to my Father in Law, Jim and Josh's PawPaw Elkins.
Father's love the fire out of your kids, no matter how young or old they are. I have learned through the last couple of years that we are kids, boy or girl get our identity though our earthy father. Pour into your kids lives. They are the biggest blessing that our Heavenly Father can give. Invest!!
Till next time friends....
Katie
Thursday, May 10, 2012
He is ever faithful...
Hello All!
It's been a while sense my last post, still having a bit of writer's block but I'm working through it. :) I have such a praise report to share! Josh and I went for our 20 week ultra sound this past Tuesday and everything with little Shepard is still wonderful! I cannot express unless you have lived in my shoes, how happy and comforting it makes me feel to hear those words. The tech/nurse was the same on we had with Evangeline and I still to this day remember everything about that day. I remember her expression and her questions to me. I also remembered that I didn't ever want to see her face again. Nothing against her, just didn't want to go back. She was so sweet to us and so happy over the out come of Shepard. She would talk us through everything and she pointed and showed us all his little organs and his spine, etc. She counted his little heart chambers...all 4 of them! :)It makes me well up with tears to think how complex our bodies are and that he is ok and has everything he'll need. God has given us such a blessing to be able to take our son home and love the fire out of him. For Josh and I to be given this chance at being earthly parents is so wild to me. (A good wild). That's all we've ever wanted and God has answered that prayer and longing.I have to look back on my life in a year and what all we have gone through as a family. With Mother's Day coming up and remembering where I was last year it's just hard to believe. Last Mother's Day I hid from the world! This one I get to go to Babies R Us and register for boy items! This Mother's Day I will be celebrating the fact that I am a Mommy to a little girl and a little boy! I'd give anything to have Evangeline here with us. It would be crazy to have a baby with another one on the way but I would do it! I miss her so much. I think about her at least 10 or more times a day. I still sleep with her pink blanket every night. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her Mommy. And that he has giving me the opportunity to have Shepard and getting to raise him in the Lord.
I want to wish all the mommies out there a very Happy Mother's Day!
It's been a while sense my last post, still having a bit of writer's block but I'm working through it. :) I have such a praise report to share! Josh and I went for our 20 week ultra sound this past Tuesday and everything with little Shepard is still wonderful! I cannot express unless you have lived in my shoes, how happy and comforting it makes me feel to hear those words. The tech/nurse was the same on we had with Evangeline and I still to this day remember everything about that day. I remember her expression and her questions to me. I also remembered that I didn't ever want to see her face again. Nothing against her, just didn't want to go back. She was so sweet to us and so happy over the out come of Shepard. She would talk us through everything and she pointed and showed us all his little organs and his spine, etc. She counted his little heart chambers...all 4 of them! :)It makes me well up with tears to think how complex our bodies are and that he is ok and has everything he'll need. God has given us such a blessing to be able to take our son home and love the fire out of him. For Josh and I to be given this chance at being earthly parents is so wild to me. (A good wild). That's all we've ever wanted and God has answered that prayer and longing.I have to look back on my life in a year and what all we have gone through as a family. With Mother's Day coming up and remembering where I was last year it's just hard to believe. Last Mother's Day I hid from the world! This one I get to go to Babies R Us and register for boy items! This Mother's Day I will be celebrating the fact that I am a Mommy to a little girl and a little boy! I'd give anything to have Evangeline here with us. It would be crazy to have a baby with another one on the way but I would do it! I miss her so much. I think about her at least 10 or more times a day. I still sleep with her pink blanket every night. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her Mommy. And that he has giving me the opportunity to have Shepard and getting to raise him in the Lord.
I want to wish all the mommies out there a very Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, April 13, 2012
Oh Happy Day!!
Hello Friend
As I type this I'm feeling my little man move around in my growing belly! God is so good! Shepard is still little '5 inches to be exact so I'm feeling flutters by him. :) To bring everyone up to baby date, I'm 17 weeks today. Josh and I kept this pregnancy under wraps for a bit and didn't make it full public till 14 weeks. It was actually nice and easy to keep it a secret. It was just for us and of course a bunch of times a day we would pray over this pregnancy. We knew going in that there was a 3% chance out of 100 that Potter's Syndrome wouldn't happen to us again. In the words of The Hunger Games "The odds were ever in our favor"! He knows the desires of our hearts, He places them there. We long to be parents here on Earth. Last Friday, which was Good Friday we went in for a ultra sound to see how things were going and just to have close monitoring through the pregnancy. As any mom reading this and have had to go through a horrible US it was nerve racking to say the least. I just prayed for peace and God's will over this baby. I prayed that everything would be in the body and working at 100%. Healthy and Happy was the name of the game that I cared to play. Within the first couple of minutes the tech said I had "great fluid"! I didn't want to assume anything but was so relieved to hear that. She scanned for 30 to 40 mins and said the most beautiful words to this Momma's ears "there are kidneys and there is the bladder"! All of us that were in the room just wept with joy to hear all of that. She kept scanning and I mentioned "I'm so glad that he or she is doing well so far". She said "would you like to know what the baby is". We said "yes"! She said "well, it's still early but it looks like the makings of a boy"! Then she said "oh, wait there IT is"! It's a BOY!! Shepard Joshua Wilcox! :) He is due September 21, 2012. I looked at Josh and said "Congrats, you are able to make girls and boys"! :) We are just so happy that he is healthy! That's ALL that really matters. It's amazing what goes into the making of babies. While reading daily about our little guy I have learned that all organs are held in the umbilical cord till they are ready to make their way down to their permanent spots. Hello!! Can we say we are all miracles?!!? To know that Shepard started off that way and that God sent those precious organs to be where they need to be is amazingly wonderful to me. Only He could do that!
All BOY!
Shepard's sweet profile!
I hope to get better about posting on here more often! I do ask that everyone continue to pray for Shepard. Pray for continued health and growth for him. I'm praying for all my Mommy friends that are pregnant with me. I always pray for health! I'm also in prayer to my friends that are trying. I ask that their wombs be blessed with healthy babies and SOON!
Love to all!!
Evangeline and Shepard's Mommy
As I type this I'm feeling my little man move around in my growing belly! God is so good! Shepard is still little '5 inches to be exact so I'm feeling flutters by him. :) To bring everyone up to baby date, I'm 17 weeks today. Josh and I kept this pregnancy under wraps for a bit and didn't make it full public till 14 weeks. It was actually nice and easy to keep it a secret. It was just for us and of course a bunch of times a day we would pray over this pregnancy. We knew going in that there was a 3% chance out of 100 that Potter's Syndrome wouldn't happen to us again. In the words of The Hunger Games "The odds were ever in our favor"! He knows the desires of our hearts, He places them there. We long to be parents here on Earth. Last Friday, which was Good Friday we went in for a ultra sound to see how things were going and just to have close monitoring through the pregnancy. As any mom reading this and have had to go through a horrible US it was nerve racking to say the least. I just prayed for peace and God's will over this baby. I prayed that everything would be in the body and working at 100%. Healthy and Happy was the name of the game that I cared to play. Within the first couple of minutes the tech said I had "great fluid"! I didn't want to assume anything but was so relieved to hear that. She scanned for 30 to 40 mins and said the most beautiful words to this Momma's ears "there are kidneys and there is the bladder"! All of us that were in the room just wept with joy to hear all of that. She kept scanning and I mentioned "I'm so glad that he or she is doing well so far". She said "would you like to know what the baby is". We said "yes"! She said "well, it's still early but it looks like the makings of a boy"! Then she said "oh, wait there IT is"! It's a BOY!! Shepard Joshua Wilcox! :) He is due September 21, 2012. I looked at Josh and said "Congrats, you are able to make girls and boys"! :) We are just so happy that he is healthy! That's ALL that really matters. It's amazing what goes into the making of babies. While reading daily about our little guy I have learned that all organs are held in the umbilical cord till they are ready to make their way down to their permanent spots. Hello!! Can we say we are all miracles?!!? To know that Shepard started off that way and that God sent those precious organs to be where they need to be is amazingly wonderful to me. Only He could do that!
Us holding a pic of Shepard's BIG Sister, Evangeline. :) Sun what in our eyes!
Love to all!!
Evangeline and Shepard's Mommy
Monday, February 27, 2012
Encouragement for all...
Hi Friends and Family!
It's been a couple of months sense my last blog. I've had a bit of writer's block. I got a gift from a friend of mine for Christmas, it is a devotional called "Jesus Calling; enjoying peace in His presence". I highly recommend everyone to pick up a copy if you do not have one or give one as a gift. I know that there are a lot of people out there that may be reading this that has had a hard time with life or may be going through something right now. Don't we all? As I have been thinking and praying for so many people this year I thought that for the next few weeks or however long that I will update this blog with words from Jesus Calling. Everyone needs encouragement daily, right? Most importantly we all need to draw closer to our Lord. He desires that from us.
February 27
KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME! Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up. As your circumstances consume more and more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me. Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand. I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
You gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow. If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today. It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens. Keep your focus on My Presence in that moment.
Scriptures for the day:
Psalm :73:23 and 1 Corinthians 10:13
Lots of Love!
It's been a couple of months sense my last blog. I've had a bit of writer's block. I got a gift from a friend of mine for Christmas, it is a devotional called "Jesus Calling; enjoying peace in His presence". I highly recommend everyone to pick up a copy if you do not have one or give one as a gift. I know that there are a lot of people out there that may be reading this that has had a hard time with life or may be going through something right now. Don't we all? As I have been thinking and praying for so many people this year I thought that for the next few weeks or however long that I will update this blog with words from Jesus Calling. Everyone needs encouragement daily, right? Most importantly we all need to draw closer to our Lord. He desires that from us.
February 27
KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME! Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up. As your circumstances consume more and more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me. Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand. I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
You gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow. If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today. It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens. Keep your focus on My Presence in that moment.
Scriptures for the day:
Psalm :73:23 and 1 Corinthians 10:13
Lots of Love!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
The "First" Holidays...
Hey Friends!
I hope this message finds everyone well & happy! :) I haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I would write about Thanksgiving and the up & coming Christmas. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be this year. Josh and I missed Evangeline a ton but we made the best of it with our family. My Mom and I did our annual Black Friday shopping (12 years and running). Most years I count down the months to Black Friday but this year I really didn't care to go out. My Mom (who hates the mall) told me I was going, that right there is love! It was hard for me because this whole holiday season thing plays a lot in my head about last year and how excited I was to find out I was pregnant and planning for the future. I was excited about buying lots of toys, books and little clothes for my little one. And there I was watching all the other mommy's shopping for their kids like I did the year before and the year before that... I'm not going to lying and say that the first week or two of this month I didn't suffer through a lot of bitterness. I truly feel robbed in my experiences of my first child. God knows my thoughts and my heart. He hears my plead. I told Josh I didn't want to put up a tree this year. I didn't want to feel the happiness in what that use to bring me. Luckily I have a husband that did listen to me & my feelings but for my own good, he put the tree up anyway. I'm glad that he did because we have 5 beautiful ornaments for Evangeline on the tree. They are all beautiful and unique in their own way and were given to us from different family members. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy this Christmas! There will be a big piece missing from us but I know that she is having her first Christmas with our Lord. Her Christmas will be a million times better then what we could have given her here.
I praying that all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family! If you have little ones, take the time to soak up the day with them. Enjoy them. Love on them. :) I'm praying for a very happy & healthy and full of good news New Year for us all!!
Till next time!! Merry Christmas!!! XOXO
Katie
I hope this message finds everyone well & happy! :) I haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I would write about Thanksgiving and the up & coming Christmas. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be this year. Josh and I missed Evangeline a ton but we made the best of it with our family. My Mom and I did our annual Black Friday shopping (12 years and running). Most years I count down the months to Black Friday but this year I really didn't care to go out. My Mom (who hates the mall) told me I was going, that right there is love! It was hard for me because this whole holiday season thing plays a lot in my head about last year and how excited I was to find out I was pregnant and planning for the future. I was excited about buying lots of toys, books and little clothes for my little one. And there I was watching all the other mommy's shopping for their kids like I did the year before and the year before that... I'm not going to lying and say that the first week or two of this month I didn't suffer through a lot of bitterness. I truly feel robbed in my experiences of my first child. God knows my thoughts and my heart. He hears my plead. I told Josh I didn't want to put up a tree this year. I didn't want to feel the happiness in what that use to bring me. Luckily I have a husband that did listen to me & my feelings but for my own good, he put the tree up anyway. I'm glad that he did because we have 5 beautiful ornaments for Evangeline on the tree. They are all beautiful and unique in their own way and were given to us from different family members. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy this Christmas! There will be a big piece missing from us but I know that she is having her first Christmas with our Lord. Her Christmas will be a million times better then what we could have given her here.
I praying that all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family! If you have little ones, take the time to soak up the day with them. Enjoy them. Love on them. :) I'm praying for a very happy & healthy and full of good news New Year for us all!!
Till next time!! Merry Christmas!!! XOXO
Katie
Friday, November 18, 2011
Sad but true...Infant loss Facts
Infant Loss
Borrowed from Pray Without Ceasing (who came across it on another blog). There is a lot of truth in this that I think it's important for people to hear.
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
(Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor).
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
(Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor).
Monday, November 14, 2011
Beating Hearts
Hi Everyone! I was reading a fellow Mommy's blog the other day and I came across this sign. I knew I had to have it! The day before reading this I was talking to Josh about EJ's heartbeat and how strong it was. Every appointment we went to her heart rate was 177 or 165. Josh and I this past year for Valentine's Day went to Build A Bear to make EJ her own bear with a recording of her heartbeat. That is something that is so precious to me to have now. I will always know what it sounded like. When I went to make up my blog I thought for days on what I should call it. One day it dawned on me "Two Hearts". It's for hers and mine. How I loved to hear her little beating heart,and the entire time she was being soothed by mine. Carrying a child is the most precious gift a woman can ever receive physically. EVER!! Never take for granted ladies, the fact that you can conceive and carry a healthy child. It is a blessing and a miracle! :)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Pumpkin Ramblings
Happy Fall to everyone! :) Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in fall, the leaves change into vibrant colors, the crisp air, pumpkins, cider, candles.....I could go on but I think you got the picture. I normally would be very giddy and in your face about my love for this season but I have changed. This year has been the hardest one in my life to get through. Normal things that I would take delight in just don't interest me as much. I constantly feel that something is missing. That something is someone and that someone is my daughter. I by fault am a planner. When I found out I was pregnant last winter I had already planned out all of 2011! Details to what my baby would be for Halloween and placing her under the Christmas tree with the gifts to take cute photos. I look back at that and think "wow, I'm missing everything". My heart breaks at the thought of what I will miss in the coming years. I've tried to avoid some of the things that I normally would do this time of the year but with my closest friends and family they have got me out of my shell. I have enjoyed myself but at the same time it was somewhat forced on my part to "be happy". For me these days to "be happy" I have poured myself into scripture and devotions. Here are somethings I have learned through my readings and what warms my heart and brings back faith to my Father...
These are scriptures on patience:
I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5
I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23
God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11
Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7
These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.
A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)
Precious Lord,
I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen
For Evangeline Joy,
Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!
Mommy & Daddy
These are scriptures on patience:
I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5
I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23
God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11
Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5
But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7
These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.
A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)
Precious Lord,
I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen
For Evangeline Joy,
Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!
Mommy & Daddy
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Be Bold! Be Strong!
The title of this post comes from a song that the kids at the preschool I use to teach at sing. Imagine 2, 3 and 4 year olds singing "Be BOLD (punch right arm up), Be STRONG(punch left arm up) for the Lord our God is with thee". The second verse goes "I'm am not afraid for the Lord thy God is with thee". I cannot tell you how many times I have sung that with them and not overly thinking of the words as we sing them until now. I went back to work a month ago after being home for 5 months. It was really tough for me for many reasons. I had to move outside of my bubble that I created. I had to be around people again. I felt for a while I wasn't in the "real world" because of the trauma that I was going through. In my head I thought that the rest of the world was moving all around me and I was just standing still. I in my "old" life was very outgoing, never met a stranger type. Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit into myself again and what that looks like. Does that make sense? Anyway, back to work...I was given an opportunity to still work for my old employer but in a different role that I'm doing all clerical and not in a classroom setting. It's for the best all around right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I love learning new things. It's good for me to get out each day and have a job and interact with others. I'm learning new boundaries for myself, what I can take and what I can't. My desk sits just outside of the classrooms and regularly I can hear the infants crying/make noises. I remember the first day I heard a cry I knew it was a tiny one making a fuss. I could feel the tears wanting to come through but I forced them back. I literally wanted to run away and hide in a hole. But I didn't...I did the opposite...I ran in! I stood at the door looking in at 5 infants. Two of them are girls that were born within weeks of Evangeline. I peered in their cribs but I did not touch. I went to the boys. (Safer for now, I thought). There was a little girl that I refer to as Miss. Smiley. I was drawn to her because she kept looking at me and smiling with her little gums. I melted! I just had to pick her up. The teacher in the room told me that Miss. Smiley was a twin and that her brother had passed during birth. There was our first connection and I believe that at that moment I needed her and she needed me. I sat down with her and held my first infant sense Evangeline. WOW! Talk about being bold and strong...there it is!! God gave me that peace and comfort to go on in there to see their faces. Let's face it, I'm drawn to babies and will always be. I can't help it. It's in my DNA! There us so much more that I can talk about sense I haven't updated in a month.I just wanted to share this experience with you. I promise I'll let go of my feelings more because this blogging thing is very therapeutic!
~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~
Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!
~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~
Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Just Ask!
Boy has my mind been racing this week! Lots of thoughts and feelings flying around in my little cranium. As I mentioned last week that I was missing my little one badly with it being my due date an all, well it carried into the weekend and now this week. I do a good job not always showing my emotions in front of people. I tend to put on a brave front and then when I'm at home I have my break downs. I'm not sure that it's the best way to handle things but again I'm new at this. I told Josh this past week that I've felt down in many different ways about missing Evangeline. The one that has hit me the hardest is wanting people to talk to me about her. That's right I said WANTING! I'll get back to (me) in a moment. Two days after I told Josh what I was feeling I received a letter in the mail. It was from a mommy that had lost her little baby boy two years ago. She was writing to offer her condolences but also to share how she has been these past two years. She told me of her hurts and about moving on again (with more babies) and then she said..."my family and friends don't even talk to me about him anymore". "They don't ask about how he was or ask to see pictures of him and it hurts". I thought "Whoa, is this her or me writing this". It's both of us. Us mommies that have lost little ones are in a "club" that we didn't choose to be in. We don't care to be in. But we are in it for our remaining days on this earth. Our connection outside of talking to God and asking Him to love on and tell our little ones how much they mean to us and that we love them are our photos and stories. If you didn't know me and you saw me in passing, you wouldn't know that I am a Mom. Other then my jewelry (that you would have to get up close to me to see) I have nothing else to show for it. That saddens me to no end!
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, not pointing blame, not calling anyone out and not trying to build a platform for a soap box. I'm just asking each of you that read this blog to do one thing this week. I want each of you that know someone that has lost a child to take a moment and ask them about their little one. Ask them to see their "brag book" (all of us mommies I'm sure carry something). Take time to love on that little one's memory and just be an encouragement. And I realize that maybe not all mom's feel comfortable with people asking them questions. Just fill out the situation and go from there. Pray!! All of us mommies that are without their child are still hurting and long to have that little one in their arms to love on. I absolutely want and miss that. Oh, how I miss that!!!
Thanks for letting me vent! Lots of Love to all of you! Till next time...
I'm sorry if I'm rambling, not pointing blame, not calling anyone out and not trying to build a platform for a soap box. I'm just asking each of you that read this blog to do one thing this week. I want each of you that know someone that has lost a child to take a moment and ask them about their little one. Ask them to see their "brag book" (all of us mommies I'm sure carry something). Take time to love on that little one's memory and just be an encouragement. And I realize that maybe not all mom's feel comfortable with people asking them questions. Just fill out the situation and go from there. Pray!! All of us mommies that are without their child are still hurting and long to have that little one in their arms to love on. I absolutely want and miss that. Oh, how I miss that!!!
Thanks for letting me vent! Lots of Love to all of you! Till next time...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Missing Her...
Today was my due date for Evangeline. I've been pretty somber most of the day. I think a lot of that has to so with the fact that I sometimes cannot believe that she isn't with me physically anymore. I just miss her so bad! A lot of close friends and of course my family all knew what today is for us. I have been receiving lots of encouragement today from them all. It's such a blessing to me to have awesome people in my life that are there for us in the thick of things. This morning after a night of fun with two great friends at the Hillsong concert (which I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to go), I woke up to a text from a friend and this is what it said....
" Katie, God has been placing you on my heart today. What are your prayer request today?" I then respond back to her on my request and then she sent me this back "Wow, God is so incredible! He gave me a word for you. "Ask my peace my peace I give to you. I am your rock, I am your salvation. I have plans to prosper you not to harm you. Continue to place your hope in me and my will will be done in you".
God loves us so much! He loves on me each and everyday. I was open to Him all day, which I should be at all times in everyday but I fall short on that. With that openness He gave me that message with hope and love written out for me in my time of need. I'm tearing up right now with the knowledge of just how much He loves you and me. No matter how much I love Evangeline, He loves her so much more then I can fathom. I know she is right there with Him. Being loved by Him and learning so much from Him. He takes care of His children.
To Evangeline Joy Wilcox, Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet girl! You mean the world to us and there isn't one day that goes my that we don't miss you, mourn you and think of you a million times. I know you are in a much better place then this old world could ever have given you. You are our Angel Baby, apple of our eye and our heart. We are so proud to be your parents and cannot wait for the day that I can look into that face of yours in Heaven.
Ok, time for me to grab the tissues. Thank you for reading, loving us and encouraging us in this journey. God bless you all!
" Katie, God has been placing you on my heart today. What are your prayer request today?" I then respond back to her on my request and then she sent me this back "Wow, God is so incredible! He gave me a word for you. "Ask my peace my peace I give to you. I am your rock, I am your salvation. I have plans to prosper you not to harm you. Continue to place your hope in me and my will will be done in you".
God loves us so much! He loves on me each and everyday. I was open to Him all day, which I should be at all times in everyday but I fall short on that. With that openness He gave me that message with hope and love written out for me in my time of need. I'm tearing up right now with the knowledge of just how much He loves you and me. No matter how much I love Evangeline, He loves her so much more then I can fathom. I know she is right there with Him. Being loved by Him and learning so much from Him. He takes care of His children.
To Evangeline Joy Wilcox, Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet girl! You mean the world to us and there isn't one day that goes my that we don't miss you, mourn you and think of you a million times. I know you are in a much better place then this old world could ever have given you. You are our Angel Baby, apple of our eye and our heart. We are so proud to be your parents and cannot wait for the day that I can look into that face of yours in Heaven.
Ok, time for me to grab the tissues. Thank you for reading, loving us and encouraging us in this journey. God bless you all!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Baby Steps
Hi Friends!
As promised I am sharing about our visit with our niece Adia. We went to visit her and her Mommy and Daddy this past Sunday. Josh and I were excited to see Adia and to get acquainted with her again. Along with the excitement we were a tad bit nervous about how we would feel about playing with and holding a baby again. The only thing I can say is that God truly had His hand in the whole day. Adia is such a good baby! I loved talking to her and watching what she's into now. During the day I thought about EJ a lot but I wasn't upset about it, like I thought I might be. The only sad feeling I had is the "what would have been" with EJ. How I wouldn't see EJ grow up and to be able to cherish each step with her. Like I said God was there and He was in control of my feelings. He made the day! :)
I'm so glad that we took that "baby step" to see our little niece. She has grown so much sense we last saw her. She sits up on her own, jabbers, claps,laughs and cuddles. She gave me that absolute love and passion that I have always had for babies again. I'm not as scared to see a baby now. That doesn't change my hurt or longing. It just makes it easier.
Here are some cute photos of Adia with her Uncle J and I. Enjoy!
I love the little hand on my leg! Melts my heart!
Trying to figure out Uncle J
I love squeezes!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this entry! May God bless each and everyone of you!
As promised I am sharing about our visit with our niece Adia. We went to visit her and her Mommy and Daddy this past Sunday. Josh and I were excited to see Adia and to get acquainted with her again. Along with the excitement we were a tad bit nervous about how we would feel about playing with and holding a baby again. The only thing I can say is that God truly had His hand in the whole day. Adia is such a good baby! I loved talking to her and watching what she's into now. During the day I thought about EJ a lot but I wasn't upset about it, like I thought I might be. The only sad feeling I had is the "what would have been" with EJ. How I wouldn't see EJ grow up and to be able to cherish each step with her. Like I said God was there and He was in control of my feelings. He made the day! :)
I'm so glad that we took that "baby step" to see our little niece. She has grown so much sense we last saw her. She sits up on her own, jabbers, claps,laughs and cuddles. She gave me that absolute love and passion that I have always had for babies again. I'm not as scared to see a baby now. That doesn't change my hurt or longing. It just makes it easier.
Here are some cute photos of Adia with her Uncle J and I. Enjoy!
Thanks for taking the time to read this entry! May God bless each and everyone of you!
Friday, August 5, 2011
A beautiful little poem...
I found this poem on another Mother's blog...Bring your tissues!
What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!
-Jennifer Wasik
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!
-Jennifer Wasik
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Oh, how He loves me!
Hello All!
It's been a while sense my last post. Sometimes I have bright ideas on what to write or I have so much feelings to share but I've been kind of blank last couple of weeks. I wanted to share of a book that I just finished last week. It's called Heaven is for Real By: Todd Burpo. This book is based on Todd's son Colton's experience in his brief but eye opening experience in Heaven. I desperately wanted to read it for not only more of a glimpse of Heaven, which the Bible gives us bits and pieces but also to see what Evangeline sees. I'm not going to go into too many details because I really want to encourage each of you to get a copy and read it for yourselves. I do want to say I long more for eternity now then I ever have before. I can't wait to see Jesus! I can't wait to see His eyes! Colton talks a lot about His eyes in the book. For a 4 year old to long to see those eyes again, they must be something! :) It blesses me to read what Colton says about Jesus loving His children. We always have sung the song 'Jesus loves the little children' but now I can honestly say I know that I KNOW He loves His children! So awesome!
I've been receiving from God 'the peace that surpasses all understanding'. I have always heard that expression throughout life but until now do I truly know what that means and what that feels like. It is the best feeling to have. Just knowing that He loves me that much to give me so much peace to get through my day is amazing to me. He gives what a loving father would give to his child when needed. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her so much or cry a lot about her but each day gets better. God has given me the courage to continue on and share our story on our daughter. I love talking about her!
This weekend I'm going to see my niece Adia for the first time sense getting the news on Evangeline. It has been hard on me to see or be around babies, understandably so. I always said when I felt ready Adia would be my first baby to see. I'm excited and a little nervous. It's going to be so good to see her and for me to be able to move on. I think the hardest part is missing Evangeline while being with Adia. When I think of Adia I think of the 'what things would be like with the two cousins.' Rachel and I had so many plans for the two of them. That's what hurts the most the 'what would have been's'. But like I said in my last blog that Josh lovingly tells me-'think on the what we will have again' not on the 'what we don't have'. Because we do have a little one. We were so blessed to have had her too.
Ok, I think I have rambled on enough for today. I will update and share pics of my visit with Miss Adia soon.
Till next time, friends.... :)
It's been a while sense my last post. Sometimes I have bright ideas on what to write or I have so much feelings to share but I've been kind of blank last couple of weeks. I wanted to share of a book that I just finished last week. It's called Heaven is for Real By: Todd Burpo. This book is based on Todd's son Colton's experience in his brief but eye opening experience in Heaven. I desperately wanted to read it for not only more of a glimpse of Heaven, which the Bible gives us bits and pieces but also to see what Evangeline sees. I'm not going to go into too many details because I really want to encourage each of you to get a copy and read it for yourselves. I do want to say I long more for eternity now then I ever have before. I can't wait to see Jesus! I can't wait to see His eyes! Colton talks a lot about His eyes in the book. For a 4 year old to long to see those eyes again, they must be something! :) It blesses me to read what Colton says about Jesus loving His children. We always have sung the song 'Jesus loves the little children' but now I can honestly say I know that I KNOW He loves His children! So awesome!
I've been receiving from God 'the peace that surpasses all understanding'. I have always heard that expression throughout life but until now do I truly know what that means and what that feels like. It is the best feeling to have. Just knowing that He loves me that much to give me so much peace to get through my day is amazing to me. He gives what a loving father would give to his child when needed. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her so much or cry a lot about her but each day gets better. God has given me the courage to continue on and share our story on our daughter. I love talking about her!
This weekend I'm going to see my niece Adia for the first time sense getting the news on Evangeline. It has been hard on me to see or be around babies, understandably so. I always said when I felt ready Adia would be my first baby to see. I'm excited and a little nervous. It's going to be so good to see her and for me to be able to move on. I think the hardest part is missing Evangeline while being with Adia. When I think of Adia I think of the 'what things would be like with the two cousins.' Rachel and I had so many plans for the two of them. That's what hurts the most the 'what would have been's'. But like I said in my last blog that Josh lovingly tells me-'think on the what we will have again' not on the 'what we don't have'. Because we do have a little one. We were so blessed to have had her too.
Ok, I think I have rambled on enough for today. I will update and share pics of my visit with Miss Adia soon.
Till next time, friends.... :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
A Visitor
For my first Mother's Day Josh and Evangeline bought me three hanging flower baskets for our deck. I love flowers. I love their vibrant colors,smells and their detail. One day I was sitting on the couch watching some t.v. and I happen to see something moving quickly outside to the left of me. I got up and looked out the window to see a very large bird in one of my flower baskets. I watched what I thought to be a male bird take apart my flowers and then fly off over the lake to a tree. For a couple of days I watched this bird closely but not close enough to know that 'he' was a 'she'. Josh towards the end of my pregnancy would water the flowers for me and saw that in the basket was two eggs! I had a mommy bird! And on top of that she was a Morning Dove. It wasn't shortly after discovering the eggs I went into labor and had Evangeline. When we came home from the hospital Josh had noticed that the eggs hatched and there were two sweet baby doves. I once again sat in a fog looking out the window and watched the mommy bird bring the babies food and sit with them for the night. While in my own little foggy world I became slightly jealous of this mom. YES, I just said I was jealous of a BIRD! I was longing to do the same for my little baby. I told Josh about my thoughts on this bird and as usual he changed my somewhat 'negative' thought to a more positive one. He said to me 'don't look at this type of situation as something that you don't have but for what you will have one day'. He has also said that to me about 'human babies' as well. I'm trying really hard right now to have that faith and hope in the things to come. Josh has so much faith that we will have more children to love on and bring home with us. I'M REALLY TRYING HARD TO BELIEVE!
This past week I noticed that I had only seen one of the baby birds learning how to fly. I asked Josh if he had seen the other one and he hadn't. Josh went outside to peer into the basket to see if the bird was in there. It was. That poor little thing had passed. :( It made some sense to me because the day before I had seen the mommy and other baby sitting on the deck and she was making a mournful sound. I felt so bad that she had lost her other baby. As she sat on the deck with her little one that had made it, I got out the camera and took a picture of them. They are too cute! Take a look!
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Till next time friends....
This past week I noticed that I had only seen one of the baby birds learning how to fly. I asked Josh if he had seen the other one and he hadn't. Josh went outside to peer into the basket to see if the bird was in there. It was. That poor little thing had passed. :( It made some sense to me because the day before I had seen the mommy and other baby sitting on the deck and she was making a mournful sound. I felt so bad that she had lost her other baby. As she sat on the deck with her little one that had made it, I got out the camera and took a picture of them. They are too cute! Take a look!
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