Pumpkin Ramblings

Happy Fall to everyone! :) Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in fall, the leaves change into vibrant colors, the crisp air, pumpkins, cider, candles.....I could go on but I think you got the picture. I normally would be very giddy and in your face about my love for this season but I have changed. This year has been the hardest one in my life to get through. Normal things that I would take delight in just don't interest me as much. I constantly feel that something is missing. That something is someone and that someone is my daughter. I by fault am a planner. When I found out I was pregnant last winter I had already planned out all of 2011! Details to what my baby would be for Halloween and placing her under the Christmas tree with the gifts to take cute photos. I look back at that and think "wow, I'm missing everything". My heart breaks at the thought of what I will miss in the coming years. I've tried to avoid some of the things that I normally would do this time of the year but with my closest friends and family they have got me out of my shell. I have enjoyed myself but at the same time it was somewhat forced on my part to "be happy". For me these days to "be happy" I have poured myself into scripture and devotions. Here are somethings I have learned through my readings and what warms my heart and brings back faith to my Father...

These are scriptures on patience:

I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5

I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23

God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11

Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7

These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen  Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.

A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)

Precious Lord,

I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen

For Evangeline Joy,

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!

Mommy & Daddy

Be Bold! Be Strong!

The title of this post comes from a song that the kids at the preschool I use to teach at sing. Imagine 2, 3 and 4 year olds singing "Be BOLD (punch right arm up), Be STRONG(punch left arm up) for the Lord our God is with thee". The second verse goes "I'm am not afraid for the Lord thy God is with thee". I cannot tell you how many times I have sung that with them and not overly thinking of the words as we sing them until now. I went back to work a month ago after being home for 5 months. It was really tough for me for many reasons. I had to move outside of my bubble that I created. I had to be around people again. I felt for a while I wasn't in the "real world" because of the trauma that I was going through. In my head I thought that the rest of the world was moving all around me and I was just standing still. I in my "old" life was very outgoing, never met a stranger type.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit into myself again and what that looks like. Does that make sense? Anyway, back to work...I was given an opportunity to still work for my old employer but in a different role that I'm doing all clerical and not in a classroom setting. It's for the best all around right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I love learning new things. It's good for me to get out each day and have a job and interact with others. I'm learning new boundaries for myself, what I can take and what I can't. My desk sits just outside of the classrooms and regularly I can hear the infants crying/make noises. I remember the first day I heard a cry I knew it was a tiny one making a fuss. I could feel the tears wanting to come through but I forced them back. I literally wanted to run away and hide in a hole. But I didn't...I did the opposite...I ran in! I stood at the door looking in at 5 infants. Two of them are girls that were born within weeks of Evangeline. I peered in their cribs but I did not touch. I went to the boys. (Safer for now, I thought). There was a little girl that I refer to as Miss. Smiley. I was drawn to her because she kept looking at me and smiling with her little gums. I melted! I just had to pick her up. The teacher in the room told me that Miss. Smiley was a twin and that her brother had passed during birth. There was our first connection and I believe that at that moment I needed her and she needed me. I sat down with her and held my first infant sense Evangeline. WOW! Talk about being bold and strong...there it is!! God gave me that peace and comfort to go on in there to see their faces. Let's face it, I'm drawn to babies and will always be. I can't help it. It's in my DNA! There us so much more that I can talk about sense I haven't updated in a month.I just wanted to share this experience with you. I promise I'll let go of my feelings more because this blogging thing is very therapeutic!

~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~

Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!