The Adventures of being a mommy....

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Happy 2nd Heavenly Anniversary, Evangeline Joy!

Good Morning All,

Two years ago today I was laying in pain in the hospital bed after being in there for over 24 hours in labor with our daughter, Evangeline. Though it was great pain because there wasn't much they could do (medicine wise for me due to us being only 32 weeks) I didn't care because I knew that my finale hours with her were coming to a quick end. I did what I could to keep her here longer with me. Around 5:30 she was born. We didn't know what to expect, meaning will she been coherent, responsive?  I didn't set my expectations too high. When that little 3 pound 6 ounce baby girl came into the world she came out with a cry or three. :) What a blessing to hear those cries! (All praise to our Lord for that). They quickly placed her in my arms (no clean up) we didn't know how long we had with her. I immediately fell in love. I said "Hi sweet baby"! She had her eyes opened briefly but enough for few minutes and know that her Daddy and I were there with her. We packed as much talking and loving on her as possible. We sang her every possible little kid song made, told her just how much she was loved and wanted. A little bit past 6 PM I had a feeling that she had passed on. She was so little and her breathing was so small to begin with but I just knew when she had left us. The most bittersweet experience had happened at that moment. I had physically lost my little girl who I carried for all of 32 weeks. A little girl that I had big plans with. A little girl that I wouldn't see grow up to become a toddler, bigger girl, teenager, woman, wife and a mommy. All of those precious experiences that I wouldn't get left my arms. As time has gone on (2 years worth) I still sometimes have those moments when I see little girls that would be around her age and I sit and day dream about EJ. Would she be running around like a mad woman just chatting away to me? Would she be a girly girl like her momma or would she be a bit of a tom boy? Sometimes I just go there with my thoughts. It's hard sometimes to watch TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress". My mind goes to "that's a joy that I wont be able to share with my Evangeline". It's so not easy missing someone so much. And not just a "somebody" but a child, your child. After a lot of time and a whole LOT of healing through the grace of God alone my mind chooses to focus on the following positives more then the negatives. Evangeline in one day met her mommy, daddy and her Heavenly Father. She spends every single moment with our Creator King. She isn't in any pain, suffering, heart ache etc. She will never know any hurt. She is protected. She gets to run the streets of gold hand in hand with Jesus. What could ever be possibly better then that??? NOTHING! So, in my mind and especially after reading "Heaven is for Real" I believe that she not only is up there with our Lord, I believe she is running, dancing, laughing, singing, playing and praising ALLLLL DAY LOONNGG! I believe she is a typical toddler that is wearing everyone out up there (especially her Great Paw-Paw Baston).

Almost everyday when Shepard wakes up we look at the picture of EJ hanging on his nursery wall and say "Good Morning, EJ Girl"! I sing a song to him that I made up a long time ago when I use to watch babies that you sing the name of the baby and you say "yay" with their name. So it would go, "Yay for the babies, yay! Yay for Shepard yay! Yay for EJ yay". Very simple but hey it kept the attention of many of a baby. Anyway, when we get to her name he just gives the biggest smile. He already loves his big sister and hes all of 9 months old. I still to this day sleep with her blanket and I may always do that. When I bring Shepard into our bed to hangout for a bit, he always goes over to her blanket and just puts his head on it and loves on it. At first I wondered how I  would respond to him touching my most sacred possession. I acted the way any Mom in my situation would melted my heart and brought me tears of joy. That blanket along with a few other things is the only "tangible" connection he will ever have to her here. He is a gentle boy. I think he gets it.

I want to end this special blog with a BIG thank you to all of our family, friends and everyone in between that has been there with us over the last couple of years. You all know who you are and you all are the best! I love the way a lot of you have loved on EJ and kept her sweet memory alive. She made a BIG impact on so many. She will always live in our hearts, thoughts and lives. She is great and precious. She is my sweet baby girl. Heaven is just that much sweeter for me and my eternity with Jesus.

Happy Birthday, Evangeline! Your brief life made a long lasting impact on not only on your Mommy & Daddy but people all over the world. I love you more than all the words in all the books in all the world!

Friday, March 1, 2013

Five months of baby bliss!

Hello friends!

Wow! It's been a long time since my last post! I've been busy with my little man, Shepard! :) He is great! Shepard was born on September 14, 2012 at 10:58 AM. He weighed 8pds 3oz and was 21 1/2 inches long! Big boy for a little me. ;) I had to have through a c section because as the doctor put it "he was wedged in there pretty good". I was a bit scared because I have never been through a major surgery before. As they were working on getting Shepard out I heard the doctor say "He's got my scissors"! I said "who has your scissors ( apart of me was thinking that I was so heavily drugged that I was not hearing things right). He said "Your son has them"! Shepard literally reached up and grabbed a hold of them with his now legendary kong-fu grip. Let's  just say the doctor has never seen something like that before and we were about to take a picture of it which is hanging in our dinning room collage and in Dr. Beavin's office wall. haha! Shepard from day one has been a wonderful baby. He is very easy going! He is by fault a Momma's boy. :) I prayed to have a close bond with him when he was in the womb and so far we are like two peas in a pod. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. He is growing up so fast. I always heard parents say that their kids grow up so quickly and to cherish each moment. Until you have a child of your own you really cannot grasp that. I find myself staring a him a thousand times a day. Just in awe of him and of our Creator for placing him in our lives and giving us the chance to be his parents and to raise him. There is nothing better in my book than being his parent. I find myself a lot of the time when he's asleep upstairs and we're down in the living room missing him. How crazy is that? We are still working on a sleep schedule through the night. Daytime I pretty much have him on a tight schedule.  I'm still breast feeding him and I bring this part up for any woman that maybe reading this that is thinking about breast feeding or maybe in the beginning stages of it. I read before having Shepard that a lot of mom's will quit in the first 3 weeks because it is hard and time consuming. I told Josh if I got to the point that I was going to quit to encourage me to push through. That time did come around about week 2. I said to him "that's it I'm done"! He brought up to me what I asked him to say and in my hormonal/sleepless state I turned into a crazed person and said "you just don't get it. you're a man"! lol Poor Josh! But I did stick with it and with the encouragement of other mommies I pushed through and now I look forward to Shep and mommy time with his feedings. Again, God is amazing with how he designed a woman's body to grow a baby, deliver baby and feed a baby.I just feel so blessed to have this opportunity to raise Shepard. In all honestly though I have great faith in the Lord, there were parts of me that thought I'd never get this chance. I'm so glad He did. He knew the desires of my heart and it was in His perfect timing that He sent Shepard. And for that I am thankful and a believer in miracles. I honestly could go on and on but I don't want to bore you. ;)

I feel like I'm trying to cram so much into one blog which isn't easy to sum up five months. I'm going to try to do better and to use this blog to keep family, friends and those that may read it up to date.

Here are some pics of my sweet boy!

 Just a joy! :)

I before closing on this blog would love to give a shout out to my Blogging Momma friend Heather Moes who I've never met in person but bonded with in my darkest time and her darkest time with losing our little ones. Heather and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby in late spring! I couldn't be happier! She will be a wonderful earthly momma to Roo! :)

I hope this finds everyone well! Sorry for the rambles! Until next time...

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A letter of love to my little Shepard...

Dear Shepard Joshua,

This time tomorrow you, your Daddy and I will be at the hospital and getting to know each other more. I cannot believe that I've carried you for 39 weeks! That's 273 days! I have loved every minute carrying you. There were times in the very beginning I was afraid and holding onto hope that you would stay with me. I was looking through a text with a friend back in February that I had to cancel our dinner because I was on a slight bed rest with you. I prayed and prayed that God will let me keep you. I did whatever I could down here to make my womb a comfortable home for you. When we found out at 16 weeks that all was going well with you and that you looked healthy it was the best day for us! I knew you were a little fighter. :) Looking back from the beginning with you to the day before I go in for our c section I cry. Good tears that is. To be blessed with a healthy baby that moves non stop amazes me. I don't take it for granted that I got to carry you this far. I must admit that I'm a little sad that my time carrying you in my womb is almost over. I'm eating up every moment of this time. I know seeing your face tomorrow, I'll forget all about those feelings but if it gives you any inkling of how much I love and wanted you then there it is. :)

There are so many people that cannot wait to meet you! Family and friends are coming to the hospital to get a glimpse of you. You are so loved! You're room is ready, bags are packed and car seat that has been in the car for a few weeks. We are as ready as two people could be to bring home a baby.

Your Daddy and I have been and will continue to pray for you. Your health, happiness and life are so important to us. We pray that we will raise you to be a Godly man, who loves the Lord with all of his heart and serves Him only. If you have even an ounce of your Daddy in you (though I know you'll be half of him) I won't worry a bit about who you'll be in the future. Your Daddy is a loving, gentle and God fearing man. He works hard to provide for us. He is loyal to me and all people around us. I pray you look up to him and become his best buddy. :) He is so excited to meet you!

I love you so much my sweet boy! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow! It will be a wonderful day! As I see you tomorrow I will also think of your beautiful sister Evangeline Joy. She will be with us in spirit. You already know a bit about her from our stories we have told you. She will always be a part of our lives. She is your "big" sis! :)

Praying for our day tomorrow! Your save journey into our arms and the guidnce of the doctor's hands.

Love you always and forever,

Your Mommy

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Our Little Piece of America...

Hey Friends!

I'm typing to you all as I get ready for the task of packing. We are so excited about the new chapter in our life's with Shepard coming in 9 weeks or less and our first house! Josh and I have been home owners of a sweet condo for 6 yrs. We have loved our little place. :) We bought it foreclosed and did all the handy work pretty much by ourselves. We have had so many memories here. It has been a great place of peace and comfort to us. Our little deck over looks a large pond with cute ducks and geese...a lovely place to spend time with the Lord and or just to daze off into the nature He created. I will miss a lot here. We have been blessed to have found a sweet little family to come and rent our condo. We are truly excited about it! We know that they too are excited and that they will take excellent care of our home. :) They too can start making great memories here and continue on new stories for it to have.

The next month will be a whirlwind with moving into our new home and all the renovations we'll be doing. This one is a fixer upper too but who else would love a project like this? US! :) You have to be a visionary with this place. Josh and I are that couple that can see the diamond in the rough and can turn it into something absolutely beautiful. As Josh already says "It is already beautiful we are just making it even more so". The good part on a fixer upper is that you can design and create things the way you want them to be. We have been so patient in this process (all thanks be to God for that). ;) It will be nice to have our first house and one that we will grow into, not out of. I can't wait to bring Shepard home from the hospital to his house with his room. Starting new memories and with our little family is so exciting to me. It's been a crazy past year but we give God all the glory for the good and the bad. It has made us stronger and appreciate more of life and the little things that can be taken for granted.

I just wanted to update all of our friends that have been asking questions on our move. Not sure that I'll get the chance to blog anytime soon but I would love to share our before and after pictures when it's all said and done. Please keep us in your all's prayers as we navigate through these new and wonderful changes. I know it can be crazy doing all of this stuff right before giving birth but we want to keep a good and positive outlook on it. :)

I pray that all of you that read my blog are well! You guys are awesome! Even if we have never met, I think you're awesome! Blessings on you all!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Happy Birthday, Sweet Baby Girl!

Dearest Evangeline Joy,

Today is your 1st birthday! I cannot believe that it's been a full year sense I last laid eyes on you and held you in my arms. For a parent this is the saddest thing possible. We miss you every single day, all 365 of them. It's been a tough year on us and your passing was the hardest part of it all. For we don't have the answers as to why you aren't with us to celebrate and eat cake and all of the fun things that families do at birthdays. The only thing that we do know in our hearts is that our God had bigger plans for you in Heaven. He wanted you. That's the only comfort that Mommy and Daddy get is that you are with Him and He is the greatest caregiver. We celebrated your life on Sunday. I wanted to make the day as special as I could. I even baked a cake for you! (Mommy hasn't done that sense your Grandma turned the BIG 4-0)! So, it was a big deal to say the least. ;) We all went out to your site and released balloons with special messages on them. I would like to think that maybe you could have gotten a tiny glimpse of the love for you that we all down here have. It was hard for both of us this morning. Daddy went to work for a few hours but came home to be with me, so we could have this time together just the two of us. Mommy didn't want to get out of bed, to tell you the truth. I checked my phone and had so many messages of love and support for us, that along with your precious brother, Shepard kicking me got me up and going. It was a sweet reminder of how great is our God for blessing us with Shepard. It made me cry out with thanksgiving for his life and for the time that I had with you in my belly just last year. Mommy and Daddy went out and spent time at your site for a while this afternoon. God gave us such a beautiful day to just sit and be still. We talked a lot about this past year, our growth, your life and the many questions we have for God when we get up to Heaven. Good conversation. Mommy and Daddy love you so so much! You will always be our first born, our sweet girl and the apple of our eye. You will never be forgotten in life. Your siblings will know all about you.

Happy Earthly and Heavenly Birthday, Princess Evangeline!

Love forever and Always,


Here is a few pics from your party...

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Father's Day and thoughts...

Hey Friends and a Happy Father's Day to any Dad's reading this! :)

I've been thinking a lot this week on Father's Day and just reflecting back on life in general. Last Father's Day I was 31 weeks along with Evangeline and not knowing that the next weekend I would be in labor with her.We surely miss her all the time and even this past Mother's Day going into tomorrow it doesn't feel the same with out her here to celebrate along with us, For she is the first one to have given us the honor to have the titles "Mommy and Daddy". As I was doing my "thinking & reflecting" I thought how happy I am for Shepard who is (growing well in his temporary home) about how lucky he will be to have such an awesome earthly father in Josh. I could literally brag all day about my husband. :) Honestly though, Josh has been excited just as much as I about Shepard and being able to raise him. He already talks about what they'll do together in the way future. Josh is a Godly man that strives everyday and I mean EVERYDAY to be the best person, man, husband, son, brother and father. He is thoughtful, loving, compassionate for others and willing to serve at all times. I'm so blessed to have married someone that will be an excellent dad and someone that our son can and will look up to in the future. Thank you, Joshua James for being, well YOU! Evangeline, Shepard and I love you very much and are blessed that you are and have been a huge part of our lives.

  I love this pic with Josh with EJ. You cannot see much of him but you get the sweetness of it.   Evangeline resting in her Daddy's arms.

Now, to thank my Heavenly Father...

Lord, I love you so much! You have blessed me a lot in life. You have pulled me through some deep valleys in the past but you have never left me or forsaken me. I haven't always given you what you deserve back and I'm still a work in progress but I do desire to give all of me to you. My heart, soul and my life.Thank you for giving me life! Happy Father's Day to you! :)

Happy Father's Day to my Dad, my granddad's that are no longer with us to my Father in Law, Jim and Josh's PawPaw Elkins.

Father's love the fire out of your kids, no matter how young or old they are. I have learned through the last couple of years that we are kids, boy or girl get our identity though our earthy father. Pour into your kids lives. They are the biggest blessing that our Heavenly Father can give.  Invest!!

Till next time friends....


Thursday, May 10, 2012

He is ever faithful...

Hello All!

It's been a while sense my last post, still having a bit of writer's block but I'm working through it. :) I have such a praise report to share! Josh and I went for our 20 week ultra sound this past Tuesday and everything with little Shepard is still wonderful! I cannot express unless you have lived in my shoes, how happy and comforting it makes me feel to hear those words. The tech/nurse was the same on we had with Evangeline and I still to this day remember everything about that day. I remember her expression and her questions to me. I also remembered that I didn't ever want to see her face again. Nothing against her, just didn't want to go back. She was so sweet to us and so happy over the out come of Shepard. She would talk us through everything and she pointed and showed us all his little organs and his spine, etc. She counted his little heart chambers...all 4 of them! :)It makes me well up with tears to think how complex our bodies are and that he is ok and has everything he'll need. God has given us such a blessing to be able to take our son home and love the fire out of him. For Josh and I to be given this chance at being earthly parents is so wild to me. (A good wild). That's all we've ever wanted and God has answered that prayer and longing.I have to look back on my life in a year and what all we have gone through as a family. With Mother's Day coming up and remembering where I was last year it's just hard to believe. Last Mother's Day I hid from the world! This one I get to go to Babies R Us and register for boy items! This Mother's Day I will be celebrating the fact that I am a Mommy to a little girl and a little boy! I'd give anything to have Evangeline here with us. It would be crazy to have a baby with another one on the way but I would do it! I miss her so much. I think about her at least 10 or more times a day. I still sleep with her pink blanket every night. I'm so thankful that God chose me to be her Mommy. And that he has giving me the opportunity to have Shepard and getting to raise him in the Lord.

I want to wish all the mommies out there a very Happy Mother's Day!