The Adventures of being a mommy....

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The "First" Holidays...

Hey Friends!

I hope this message finds everyone well & happy! :) I haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I would write about Thanksgiving and the up & coming Christmas. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be this year. Josh and I missed Evangeline a ton but we made the best of it with our family. My Mom and I did our annual Black Friday shopping (12 years and running). Most years I count down the months to Black Friday but this year I really didn't care to go out. My Mom (who hates the mall) told me I was going, that right there is love! It was hard for me because this whole holiday season thing plays a lot in my head about last year and how excited I was to find out I was pregnant and planning for the future. I was excited about buying lots of toys, books and little clothes for my little one. And there I was watching all the other mommy's shopping for their kids like I did the year before and the year before that... I'm not going to lying and say that the first week or two of this month I didn't suffer through a lot of bitterness. I truly feel robbed in my experiences of my first child. God knows my thoughts and my heart. He hears my plead. I told Josh I didn't want to put up a tree this year. I didn't want to feel the happiness in what that use to bring me. Luckily I have a husband that did listen to me & my feelings but for my own good, he put the tree up anyway. I'm glad that he did because we have 5 beautiful ornaments for Evangeline on the tree. They are all beautiful and unique in their own way and were given to us from different family members. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy this Christmas! There will be a big piece missing from us but I know that she is having her first Christmas with our Lord. Her Christmas will be a million times better then what we could have given her here.

I praying that all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family! If you have little ones, take the time to soak up the day with them. Enjoy them. Love on them. :) I'm praying for a very happy & healthy and full of good news New Year for us all!!

Till next time!! Merry Christmas!!! XOXO


Friday, November 18, 2011

Sad but true...Infant loss Facts

Infant Loss

Borrowed from Pray Without Ceasing (who came across it on another blog). There is a lot of truth in this that I think it's important for people to hear.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

(Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor).

Monday, November 14, 2011

Beating Hearts

Hi Everyone! I was reading a fellow Mommy's blog the other day and I came across this sign. I knew I had to have it! The day before reading this I was talking to Josh about EJ's heartbeat and how strong it was. Every appointment we went to her heart rate was 177 or 165. Josh and I this past year for Valentine's Day went to Build A Bear to make EJ her own bear with a recording of her heartbeat. That is something that is so precious to me to have now. I will always know what it sounded like. When I went to make up my blog I thought for days on what I should call it. One day it dawned on me "Two Hearts". It's for hers and mine. How I loved to hear her little beating heart,and the entire time she was being soothed by mine. Carrying a child is the most precious gift a woman can ever receive physically. EVER!! Never take for granted ladies, the fact that you can conceive and carry a healthy child. It is a blessing and a miracle! :)

Friday, October 28, 2011

Pumpkin Ramblings

Happy Fall to everyone! :) Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in fall, the leaves change into vibrant colors, the crisp air, pumpkins, cider, candles.....I could go on but I think you got the picture. I normally would be very giddy and in your face about my love for this season but I have changed. This year has been the hardest one in my life to get through. Normal things that I would take delight in just don't interest me as much. I constantly feel that something is missing. That something is someone and that someone is my daughter. I by fault am a planner. When I found out I was pregnant last winter I had already planned out all of 2011! Details to what my baby would be for Halloween and placing her under the Christmas tree with the gifts to take cute photos. I look back at that and think "wow, I'm missing everything". My heart breaks at the thought of what I will miss in the coming years. I've tried to avoid some of the things that I normally would do this time of the year but with my closest friends and family they have got me out of my shell. I have enjoyed myself but at the same time it was somewhat forced on my part to "be happy". For me these days to "be happy" I have poured myself into scripture and devotions. Here are somethings I have learned through my readings and what warms my heart and brings back faith to my Father...

These are scriptures on patience:

I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5

I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23

God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11

Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7

These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen  Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.

A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)

Precious Lord,

I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen

For Evangeline Joy,

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!

Mommy & Daddy

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Be Bold! Be Strong!

The title of this post comes from a song that the kids at the preschool I use to teach at sing. Imagine 2, 3 and 4 year olds singing "Be BOLD (punch right arm up), Be STRONG(punch left arm up) for the Lord our God is with thee". The second verse goes "I'm am not afraid for the Lord thy God is with thee". I cannot tell you how many times I have sung that with them and not overly thinking of the words as we sing them until now. I went back to work a month ago after being home for 5 months. It was really tough for me for many reasons. I had to move outside of my bubble that I created. I had to be around people again. I felt for a while I wasn't in the "real world" because of the trauma that I was going through. In my head I thought that the rest of the world was moving all around me and I was just standing still. I in my "old" life was very outgoing, never met a stranger type.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit into myself again and what that looks like. Does that make sense? Anyway, back to work...I was given an opportunity to still work for my old employer but in a different role that I'm doing all clerical and not in a classroom setting. It's for the best all around right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I love learning new things. It's good for me to get out each day and have a job and interact with others. I'm learning new boundaries for myself, what I can take and what I can't. My desk sits just outside of the classrooms and regularly I can hear the infants crying/make noises. I remember the first day I heard a cry I knew it was a tiny one making a fuss. I could feel the tears wanting to come through but I forced them back. I literally wanted to run away and hide in a hole. But I didn't...I did the opposite...I ran in! I stood at the door looking in at 5 infants. Two of them are girls that were born within weeks of Evangeline. I peered in their cribs but I did not touch. I went to the boys. (Safer for now, I thought). There was a little girl that I refer to as Miss. Smiley. I was drawn to her because she kept looking at me and smiling with her little gums. I melted! I just had to pick her up. The teacher in the room told me that Miss. Smiley was a twin and that her brother had passed during birth. There was our first connection and I believe that at that moment I needed her and she needed me. I sat down with her and held my first infant sense Evangeline. WOW! Talk about being bold and strong...there it is!! God gave me that peace and comfort to go on in there to see their faces. Let's face it, I'm drawn to babies and will always be. I can't help it. It's in my DNA! There us so much more that I can talk about sense I haven't updated in a month.I just wanted to share this experience with you. I promise I'll let go of my feelings more because this blogging thing is very therapeutic!

~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~

Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Just Ask!

Boy has my mind been racing this week! Lots of thoughts and feelings flying around in my little cranium. As I mentioned last week that I was missing my little one badly with it being my due date an all, well it carried into the weekend and now this week. I do a good job not always showing my emotions in front of people. I tend to put on a brave front and then when I'm at home I have my break downs. I'm not sure that it's the best way to handle things but again I'm new at this. I told Josh this past week that I've felt down in many different ways about missing Evangeline. The one that has hit me the hardest is wanting people to talk to me about her. That's right I said WANTING! I'll get back to (me) in a moment. Two days after I told Josh what I was feeling I received a letter in the mail. It was from a mommy that had lost her little baby boy two years ago. She was writing to offer her condolences but also to share how she has been these past two years. She told me of her hurts and about moving on again (with more babies) and then she said..."my family and friends don't even talk to me about him anymore". "They don't ask about how he was or ask to see pictures of him and it hurts". I thought "Whoa, is this her or me writing this". It's both of us. Us mommies that have lost little ones are in a "club" that we didn't choose to be in. We don't care to be in. But we are in it for our remaining days on this earth. Our connection outside of talking to God and asking Him to love on and tell our little ones how much they mean to us and that we love them are our photos and stories. If you didn't know me and you saw me in passing, you wouldn't know that I am a Mom. Other then my jewelry (that you would have to get up close to me to see) I have nothing else to show for it. That saddens me to no end!

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, not pointing blame, not calling anyone out and not trying to build a platform for a soap box. I'm just asking each of you that read this blog to do one thing this week. I want each of you that know someone that has lost a child to take a moment and ask them about their little one. Ask them to see their "brag book" (all of us mommies I'm sure carry something). Take time to love on that little one's memory and just be an encouragement. And I realize that maybe not all mom's feel comfortable with people asking them questions. Just fill out the situation and go from there. Pray!!  All of us mommies that are without their child are still hurting and long to have that little one in their arms to love on. I absolutely want and miss that. Oh, how I miss that!!!

Thanks for letting me vent! Lots of Love to all of you! Till next time...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Missing Her...

Today was my due date for Evangeline. I've been pretty somber most of the day. I think a lot of that has to so with the fact that I sometimes cannot believe that she isn't with me physically anymore. I just miss her so bad! A lot of close friends and of course my family all knew what today is for us. I have been receiving lots of encouragement today from them all. It's such a blessing to me to have awesome people in my life that are there for us in the thick of things. This morning after a night of fun with two great friends at the Hillsong concert (which I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to go), I woke up to a text from a friend and this is what it said....

" Katie, God has been placing you on my heart today. What are your prayer request today?"  I then respond back to her on my request and then she sent me this back "Wow, God is so incredible! He gave me a word for you. "Ask my peace my peace I give to you. I am your rock, I am your salvation. I have plans to prosper you not to harm you. Continue to place your hope in me and my will will be done in you".

God loves us so much! He loves on me each and everyday. I was open to Him all day, which I should be at all times in everyday but I fall short on that. With that openness He gave me that message with hope and love written out for me in my time of need. I'm tearing up right now with the knowledge of just how much He loves you and me. No matter how much I love Evangeline, He loves her so much more then I can fathom. I know she is right there with Him. Being loved by Him and learning so much from Him. He takes care of His children.

To Evangeline Joy Wilcox, Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet girl! You mean the world to us and there isn't one day that goes my that we  don't miss you, mourn you and think of you a million times. I know you are in a much better place then this old world could ever have given you. You are our Angel Baby, apple of our eye and our heart. We are so proud to be your parents and cannot wait for the day that I can look into that face of yours in Heaven.

Ok, time for me to grab the tissues. Thank you for reading, loving us and encouraging us in this journey. God bless you all!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Baby Steps

Hi Friends!

As promised I am sharing about our visit with our niece Adia. We went to visit her and her Mommy and Daddy this past Sunday. Josh and I were excited to see Adia and to get acquainted with her again. Along with the excitement we were a tad bit nervous about how we would feel about playing with and holding a baby again.  The only thing I can say is that God truly had His hand in the whole day. Adia is such a good baby! I loved talking to her and watching what she's into now. During the day I thought about EJ a lot but I wasn't upset about it, like I thought I might be. The only sad feeling I had is the "what would have been" with EJ. How I wouldn't see EJ  grow up and to be able to cherish each step with her. Like I said God was there and He was in control of my feelings. He made the day! :)

I'm so glad that we took that "baby step" to see our little niece. She has grown so much sense we last saw her. She sits up on her own, jabbers, claps,laughs and cuddles. She gave me that absolute love and passion that I have always had for babies again. I'm not as scared to see a baby now. That doesn't change my hurt or longing. It just makes it easier. 

Here are some cute photos of Adia with her Uncle J and I. Enjoy! 

                                                 I love the little hand on my leg! Melts my heart!
                                                   Trying to figure out Uncle J

                                                                I love squeezes!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this entry! May God bless each and everyone of you! 

Friday, August 5, 2011

A beautiful little poem...

I found this poem on another Mother's blog...Bring your tissues!

What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

-Jennifer Wasik

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Oh, how He loves me!

Hello All!

It's been a while sense my last post. Sometimes I have bright ideas on what to write or I have so much feelings to share but I've been kind of blank last couple of weeks. I wanted to share of a book that I just finished last week. It's called Heaven is for Real By: Todd Burpo. This book is based on Todd's son Colton's experience in his brief but eye opening experience in Heaven. I desperately wanted to read it for not only more of a glimpse of Heaven, which the Bible gives us bits and pieces but also to see what Evangeline sees. I'm not going to go into too many details because I really want to encourage each of you to get a copy and read it for yourselves. I do want to say I long more for eternity now then I ever have before. I can't wait to see Jesus! I can't wait to see His eyes! Colton talks a lot about His eyes in the book. For a 4 year old to long to see those eyes again, they must be something! :) It blesses me to read what Colton says about Jesus loving His children. We always have sung the song 'Jesus loves the little children' but now I can honestly say I know that I KNOW He loves His children! So awesome!

I've been receiving from God 'the peace that surpasses all understanding'. I have always heard that expression  throughout life but until now do I truly know what that means and what that feels like. It is the best feeling to have. Just knowing that He loves me that much to give me so much peace to get through my day is amazing to me. He gives what a loving father would give to his child when needed. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her so much or cry a lot about her but each day gets better. God has given me the courage to continue on and share our story on our daughter. I love talking about her!

This weekend I'm going to see my niece Adia for the first time sense getting the news on Evangeline. It has been hard on me to see or be around babies, understandably so. I always said when I felt ready Adia would be my first baby to see. I'm excited and a little nervous. It's going to be so good to see her and for me to be able to move on. I think the hardest part is missing Evangeline while being with Adia. When I think of Adia I think of the 'what things would be like with the two cousins.' Rachel and I had so many plans for the two of them. That's what hurts the most the 'what would have been's'. But like I said in my last blog that Josh lovingly  tells me-'think on the what we will have again' not on the 'what we don't have'. Because we do have a little one. We were so blessed to have had her too.

Ok, I think I have rambled on enough for today. I will update and share pics of my visit with Miss Adia soon.

Till next time, friends.... :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Visitor

For my first Mother's Day Josh and Evangeline bought me three hanging flower baskets for our deck. I love flowers. I love their vibrant colors,smells and their detail. One day I was sitting on the couch watching some t.v. and I happen to see something moving quickly outside to the left of me. I got up and looked out the window to see a very large bird in one of my flower baskets. I watched what I thought to be a male bird take apart my flowers and then fly off over the lake to a tree. For a couple of days I watched this bird closely but not close enough to know that 'he' was a 'she'. Josh towards the end of my pregnancy would water the flowers for me and saw that in the basket was two eggs! I had a mommy bird! And on top of that she was a Morning Dove. It wasn't shortly after discovering the eggs I went into labor and had Evangeline. When we came home from the hospital  Josh had noticed that the eggs hatched and there were two sweet baby doves. I once again sat in a fog looking out the window and watched the mommy bird bring the babies food and sit with them for the night. While in my own little foggy world I became slightly jealous of this mom. YES, I just said I was jealous of a BIRD! I was longing to do the same for my little baby. I told Josh about my thoughts on this bird and as usual he changed my somewhat 'negative' thought to a more positive one. He said to me 'don't look at this type of situation as something that you don't have but for what you will have one day'. He has also said that to me about 'human babies' as well. I'm trying really hard right now to have that faith and hope in the things to come. Josh has so much faith that we will have more children to love on and bring home with us. I'M REALLY TRYING HARD TO BELIEVE!

This past week I noticed that I had only seen one of the baby birds learning how to fly. I asked Josh if he had seen the other one and he hadn't. Josh went outside to peer into the basket to see if the bird was in there. It was. That poor little thing had passed. :(  It made some sense to me because the day before I had seen the mommy and other baby sitting on the deck and she was making a mournful sound. I felt so bad that she had lost her other baby. As she sat on the deck with her little one that had made it, I got out the camera and took a picture of them. They are too cute! Take a look!

Till next time friends....

Thursday, July 7, 2011

The Delivery of our angel - Evangeline Joy Wilcox

What a whirlwind these past two weeks has been for us. In the early hours of June 25th I went into labor with EJ. I've  never known what a contraction felt like but was grateful that my friend told me the day before what one felt and looked like. I went into the bathroom and saw my belly in a tight ball and I felt the pain so I put two and two together and woke up Josh. We called our doctor and went on to the hospital. I've never been a patient in a hospital before- so needless to saythis was my first pretty hospital gown, IV and random painful checks by the nurses (you ladies know what I mean). As we were sitting there in our room we were thinking about who all was going to be out of town that weekend, Josh's parents, our Pastor, our photographer and our favorite doctor, we felt so overwhelmed. Little did we know that God was going to provide for all of those circumstances.  As people were starting to show up at the hospital, in walked our Pastor Terry, who was supposed to be on vacation.  This was following a phone call from our photographer, who was in a photoshoot, saying she was on her way. Josh's parents came, cancelling their out-of-town trip. And to top it all off, one of our favorite nurses, Jen, got ahold of our favorite OBGYN (who was also supposed to be going on vacation), and asked her to come.  GOD PROVIDES!!  As the day went on, I was not progressing.  I was dilated at 2 cm and we decided to stay overnight at the hospital.  Good thing, because the following morning, I was dilated at 5 cm and in alot of pain. 
    June 26th:
    We called all the family back in to the hospital and confirmed that today was the day.  As the day went on and kept progressing, at 05:38pm, after 37 hours of labor, we got to meet our sweet little baby, Evangeline Joy Wilcox.  She came out weighing 3 lbs 6.4 ounces and was 16 inches long.  We were very blessed to be able to hear her cry a few times, have her open her eyes a few times, and she stuck her toungue out a few times (a trait she picked up from her mommy).  She had very light hair and her eyes were greyish/blue and she was just perfect.  It was unbelievable to be able to hold this little baby that had been in my belly for 32 weeks.  I cuddled with her for her 45 minutes on earth and, while doing so, her daddy and I sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Happy Birthday" and whispered sweet words into her ears.  As Josh would say, it was the most amount of Joy and the most amount of sorrow in one hour that we will probably ever experience.  After about 45 minutes, we realized that our little one had gone home to be with Jesus.  We called everybody back into the room and had a baby dedication.  When talking, our pastor said, "in one day, little Evangeline got to meet her mom, her dad, and her creator".  The hospital staff was great to us.  We were able to keep Evangeline as long as we liked.  Josh and I took turns through the night holding her.  I can remember falling asleep but waking myself up to the fact that my head was laying gently on top of hers.  There are no words I could type that would represent the love and passion I have for my child.  While I knew where Evangeline really was, I still felt connected to her through this little person in my arms.  It was one of the hardest moments of this process, but I was finally able to hand Evangeline over that Monday night. While we prepared for the funeral, so many thoughts and emotions ran through me.  What is she doing today?  Why is she not still with me?  How will I move on from this?  Will I ever get over this?  I never realized  how much you can miss someone and I long for  her daily.  I know she's in a much better place than this world, but I still ache for her. 
    June 30th.
A beautiful day.  I thought that Evangeline had given it to me.  We, as a family, got together with a few of our pastors and celebrated Evangeline Joy's life.  It was a beautiful service as we laid her to rest with my pawpaw Baston.  God provided a good amount of strength to Josh and I and enabling us to speak at her service.  Our family sang a song based on Psalm 23 along with poetry and finished with singing "It is Well". 
   After June 30th.
People call us "stong" and "faithful".  We get compliments on how we're handling losing our Evangeline.  I love the compliments but there are plenty of times that we feel so lost and confused.  There's nothing that prepares you for losing a child.  No amount of books or conversations can prepare you for feeling this.  The one thing that's provided us peace is knowing that our baby girl is with our loving Father, Jesus Christ.  There's also peace in knowing that I will see her again one day.  I am not bitter.  I am not mad at God.  Just heartbroken.  Healing comes over time.  Peace from God comes over time, as long as we turn to Him for that peace.  The following scripture was read at the service:

Romans 5:1-5

New International Version (NIV)

Romans 5

Peace and Hope
 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

The following are some photos of our precious Evangeline.  She is a beauty;) .  At the bottom of the photos is a video collage put together by our good friend Loree Wheeler. 

Friday, June 24, 2011

Sweet baby & Sweet tea

This is just a short & sweet blog today....

Through-out my pregnancy all 31 weeks I haven't had 1 cup, glass or can of caffeine.  Now, normally when not pregnant I didn't drink a lot of pop anyway but have always enjoyed a coke or cherry coke once a week as a treat. My biggest guilty pleasure is SWEET TEA!! I think that's me tapping into my old Georgia roots. Lately, I have been thinking about sweet tea and how badly I wanted one from McDonald's (my fav) and whether or not I should feel guilty that I made it this far without having it. Then I thought about it yesterday while talking to my sister in law Rachel, I want Evangeline to taste what Mommy thinks to be the best drink ever. I've enjoyed making things for her that I know she likes by the way she moves around & kicks. This is my time with her and to share with her my favorite things.

So, tonight on his way home from a LONG day at work, Daddy is bringing Evangeline & Mommy home a McDonald's sweet tea. I know we'll enjoy!!

Hope all is well with everyone reading this. Thank you for your continued support for us! We are thankful for all our family & friends.

Mommy & E

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Reading, reading and more reading...

In the last few months I have taken back my love to read. Sense then I have finished 2 1/2 books that have really helped me through these days. I have always gravitated toward the 'Christian Self Help' books. I thought that I would share the ones that I have read recently and that I would HIGHLY recommend for reading.

My first one is 'What to do when your world is falling apart' By: Richard Exley
It a wonderful book and a short read that was given to me by our Pastor. It really helped me to keep focus on the Lord through good and bad times and to remember that He loves us so much more then we will ever comprehend. Through the very rough and hard times in our life's He will never leave us or forsake us. He will pull us through, just lean on Him.

My second book is 'I Will Carry You' By: Angie Smith
This book came highly recommended by many people at my In-Laws church. In fact we as a family were given several copies. (That should tell you how much this story means to me & just how much I was meant to read it). Angie and her husband Todd (from the Christian singing group Selah) went to their 20 week appointment and received the same news almost to a tee as we did. This book made me ball my eyes out each chapter but helped me just the same for she was telling my story. I didn't think that I would have the courage to read it right away but He gave it to me and I was thankful! Angie also has a blog that she started around the same time in her pregnancy 3 yrs ago. It's called Bring the Rain.The crazy thing is, I met her last fall and had no idea about her story and defiantly had no idea that I would be going though it months later. This is the song that Angie and Todd wrote for their little girl Audrey. It is so fitting and my anthem...

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

My third read (that I'm not quite finished with) is 'Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God' By: Shelia Walsh
I love this woman! I have had the pleasure to hear her speak twice and got to meet her last December. All I have to say is any woman should pick this book up! Her testimony is awesome! I'm excited to finish this book and talk more about it later.

More importantly of any book that any of us can read is the Bible! I have been pouring over scriptures daily and out of everything this gives me my peace and encouragement that I absolutely long for! Making time for Him during the day is a must and I encourage you all to do so if you're not all ready. He loves you!

Ending with another read for the day: 'Egg Book' By: Golden Books
This is what Josh (Daddy) read to EJ today. I think she liked it because of her movements. :) I love the fact that we are reading to her. It's great for Josh to be able to connect with her. Reading is important at any age!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend! And Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there! Especially EJ's Daddy!

In Him...


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Our journey with Evangeline Joy!

 Hi Friends & Family!

This is the first time that I am actually speaking out to everyone other than our close family & friends. I have had a lot of people ask me over the last few months what was going on with our little baby and how things are. Most of the time I would give just a short answer and move on because it is too hard to talk about and to repeat myself over and over again. So, here goes our story from a few months ago to the present time.

Josh and I along with our moms went to our 20 week check up to find out the baby's gender. Like any other couple we were like 'boy or girl'...soooo exciting! I really never cared what the gender was. I also wanted one of each, so to me I just wanted to hear who this little person was and finally speak the name and go shopping! No one ever told me that the tech would go over ALL the body parts and organs. I guess like any other person I would just ASSUME that of course all of the organs would be there. Josh and I had a book that we read weekly about 'what was growing & how to pray for your baby'....So, we were in the room for not even 2 mins when the tech stopped and said 'I need to go and get your doctor'. I thought 'how odd is that'. The doctor came in and looked at our baby and shook her head and said 'I see no kidneys or bladder', did your water break?' I told them no. They stopped the process and referred us to the hospital that next day for another ultrasound. I went all night drinking more than 15 glasses of water and going to the bathroom on the hour due to thinking that would bring back the fluid for my baby. Not thinking correctly in knowing that with no kidneys or bladder there will never be any anionic fluid for my baby. Let's just say I got no sleep that night!!

We woke up and went to the hospital  for our 2nd ultrasound. The tech was very thorough and looked for 45 mins trying hard to find little organs. After looking she went and got the head doctor and brought him back to us. He gently sat us down and told us the news that NO PARENT should EVER hear. 'After looking closely with your baby and barring a miracle your baby will not make it after birth'. BAM a punch in the face. I literally stopped breathing. The room was spinning and the 4 of us just sat there crying. Needless to say I don't remember too much for the coming weeks after that. I remember that a min felt like and hour. Time stood still. Josh took charge like most men would and made calls and emailed family and friends. Josh quickly became my rock, my voice and my protector. I didn't want to talk to anyone. So, maybe this will make sense to some of you, why I didn't talk or wasn't seen around for a while. My heart was broken. Nothing to say. I can also tell you that yes, right now I am more talkative, I have my days that I want to talk and be seen and I have those that I don't. That's completely normal. I can be honest and say with what we are facing that there will be a time again that I may be that person that doesn't want to talk. It's not going to be easy folks!!  I will tell you all that EVERY text, email and facebook that came in warmed my heart and made us feel so loved and supported.In the future PLEASE keeps those coming! They are what got us through the day along with all the prayers!

 From that day on my life has completely changed for many reasons. When you get hit with news such as ours, it will quickly make you think about how you live your life. I will NEVER take life for granted again. I never took this pregnancy for granted because it's a miracle and a life. But I took everyday things for granted that I now see differently. Also, my personal relationship with my Lord and Savior has changed. I have been a Christian since I was 14 yrs old. This experience has made me change every bit of how I view Him, love Him, talk to Him and want Him. He is my peace. I honestly do not know what people do in difficult times without God. I just cannot fathom it.

So, 10 weeks later and a roller coaster of a life here we are. Today we went in for my 30 week ultrasound and we were ready to meet our little kicker. I already knew going in that the baby was a girl. Just bonding with my baby I could feel it. Mommy's intuition! For the past 10 weeks there hasn't been a day where I haven't prayed/beg the Lord to heal my child. I was really trying to keep an open mind knowing that the diagnosis would probably be the same but was praying for a miracle. The same tech in the same small room that we were in months ago looked and pushed and poked at us. The diagnosis  is still the same. She came to the conclusion that since there was still a lack of fluid/and movement with the legs, she didn't see a 'boy part' and was able to tell that we are having a GIRL. Sweet little Evangeline Joy Wilcox. Who Mommy and Daddy love very much and enjoy all the time that we have with her. Not taking a second for granted and loving all of her movements. So, without further ado.... introducing our Princess Evangeline...

Before you were conceived, I  wanted you, Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life. - Maureen Hawkins

Please stay tune for more of my blogs to come! It a great way for me to talk to everyone and to keep all up to date and if you all know of any woman that is going through something similar that needs someone to talk to or just needs encouragement then send them my way. Lots of love!