For my first Mother's Day Josh and Evangeline bought me three hanging flower baskets for our deck. I love flowers. I love their vibrant colors,smells and their detail. One day I was sitting on the couch watching some t.v. and I happen to see something moving quickly outside to the left of me. I got up and looked out the window to see a very large bird in one of my flower baskets. I watched what I thought to be a male bird take apart my flowers and then fly off over the lake to a tree. For a couple of days I watched this bird closely but not close enough to know that 'he' was a 'she'. Josh towards the end of my pregnancy would water the flowers for me and saw that in the basket was two eggs! I had a mommy bird! And on top of that she was a Morning Dove. It wasn't shortly after discovering the eggs I went into labor and had Evangeline. When we came home from the hospital Josh had noticed that the eggs hatched and there were two sweet baby doves. I once again sat in a fog looking out the window and watched the mommy bird bring the babies food and sit with them for the night. While in my own little foggy world I became slightly jealous of this mom. YES, I just said I was jealous of a BIRD! I was longing to do the same for my little baby. I told Josh about my thoughts on this bird and as usual he changed my somewhat 'negative' thought to a more positive one. He said to me 'don't look at this type of situation as something that you don't have but for what you will have one day'. He has also said that to me about 'human babies' as well. I'm trying really hard right now to have that faith and hope in the things to come. Josh has so much faith that we will have more children to love on and bring home with us. I'M REALLY TRYING HARD TO BELIEVE!
This past week I noticed that I had only seen one of the baby birds learning how to fly. I asked Josh if he had seen the other one and he hadn't. Josh went outside to peer into the basket to see if the bird was in there. It was. That poor little thing had passed. :( It made some sense to me because the day before I had seen the mommy and other baby sitting on the deck and she was making a mournful sound. I felt so bad that she had lost her other baby. As she sat on the deck with her little one that had made it, I got out the camera and took a picture of them. They are too cute! Take a look!
What a whirlwind these past two weeks has been for us. In the early hours of June 25th I went into labor with EJ. I've never known what a contraction felt like but was grateful that my friend told me the day before what one felt and looked like. I went into the bathroom and saw my belly in a tight ball and I felt the pain so I put two and two together and woke up Josh. We called our doctor and went on to the hospital. I've never been a patient in a hospital before- so needless to saythis was my first pretty hospital gown, IV and random painful checks by the nurses (you ladies know what I mean). As we were sitting there in our room we were thinking about who all was going to be out of town that weekend, Josh's parents, our Pastor, our photographer and our favorite doctor, we felt so overwhelmed. Little did we know that God was going to provide for all of those circumstances. As people were starting to show up at the hospital, in walked our Pastor Terry, who was supposed to be on vacation. This was following a phone call from our photographer, who was in a photoshoot, saying she was on her way. Josh's parents came, cancelling their out-of-town trip. And to top it all off, one of our favorite nurses, Jen, got ahold of our favorite OBGYN (who was also supposed to be going on vacation), and asked her to come. GOD PROVIDES!! As the day went on, I was not progressing. I was dilated at 2 cm and we decided to stay overnight at the hospital. Good thing, because the following morning, I was dilated at 5 cm and in alot of pain.
June 26th:
We called all the family back in to the hospital and confirmed that today was the day. As the day went on and kept progressing, at 05:38pm, after 37 hours of labor, we got to meet our sweet little baby, Evangeline Joy Wilcox. She came out weighing 3 lbs 6.4 ounces and was 16 inches long. We were very blessed to be able to hear her cry a few times, have her open her eyes a few times, and she stuck her toungue out a few times (a trait she picked up from her mommy). She had very light hair and her eyes were greyish/blue and she was just perfect. It was unbelievable to be able to hold this little baby that had been in my belly for 32 weeks. I cuddled with her for her 45 minutes on earth and, while doing so, her daddy and I sang "Jesus Loves Me" and "Happy Birthday" and whispered sweet words into her ears. As Josh would say, it was the most amount of Joy and the most amount of sorrow in one hour that we will probably ever experience. After about 45 minutes, we realized that our little one had gone home to be with Jesus. We called everybody back into the room and had a baby dedication. When talking, our pastor said, "in one day, little Evangeline got to meet her mom, her dad, and her creator". The hospital staff was great to us. We were able to keep Evangeline as long as we liked. Josh and I took turns through the night holding her. I can remember falling asleep but waking myself up to the fact that my head was laying gently on top of hers. There are no words I could type that would represent the love and passion I have for my child. While I knew where Evangeline really was, I still felt connected to her through this little person in my arms. It was one of the hardest moments of this process, but I was finally able to hand Evangeline over that Monday night. While we prepared for the funeral, so many thoughts and emotions ran through me. What is she doing today? Why is she not still with me? How will I move on from this? Will I ever get over this? I never realized how much you can miss someone and I long for her daily. I know she's in a much better place than this world, but I still ache for her.
June 30th.
A beautiful day. I thought that Evangeline had given it to me. We, as a family, got together with a few of our pastors and celebrated Evangeline Joy's life. It was a beautiful service as we laid her to rest with my pawpaw Baston. God provided a good amount of strength to Josh and I and enabling us to speak at her service. Our family sang a song based on Psalm 23 along with poetry and finished with singing "It is Well".
After June 30th.
People call us "stong" and "faithful". We get compliments on how we're handling losing our Evangeline. I love the compliments but there are plenty of times that we feel so lost and confused. There's nothing that prepares you for losing a child. No amount of books or conversations can prepare you for feeling this. The one thing that's provided us peace is knowing that our baby girl is with our loving Father, Jesus Christ. There's also peace in knowing that I will see her again one day. I am not bitter. I am not mad at God. Just heartbroken. Healing comes over time. Peace from God comes over time, as long as we turn to Him for that peace. The following scripture was read at the service:
Romans 5:1-5
New International Version (NIV)
Romans 5
Peace and Hope
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
The following are some photos of our precious Evangeline. She is a beauty;) . At the bottom of the photos is a video collage put together by our good friend Loree Wheeler.
Through-out my pregnancy all 31 weeks I haven't had 1 cup, glass or can of caffeine. Now, normally when not pregnant I didn't drink a lot of pop anyway but have always enjoyed a coke or cherry coke once a week as a treat. My biggest guilty pleasure is SWEET TEA!! I think that's me tapping into my old Georgia roots. Lately, I have been thinking about sweet tea and how badly I wanted one from McDonald's (my fav) and whether or not I should feel guilty that I made it this far without having it. Then I thought about it yesterday while talking to my sister in law Rachel, I want Evangeline to taste what Mommy thinks to be the best drink ever. I've enjoyed making things for her that I know she likes by the way she moves around & kicks. This is my time with her and to share with her my favorite things.
So, tonight on his way home from a LONG day at work, Daddy is bringing Evangeline & Mommy home a McDonald's sweet tea. I know we'll enjoy!!
Hope all is well with everyone reading this. Thank you for your continued support for us! We are thankful for all our family & friends.
In the last few months I have taken back my love to read. Sense then I have finished 2 1/2 books that have really helped me through these days. I have always gravitated toward the 'Christian Self Help' books. I thought that I would share the ones that I have read recently and that I would HIGHLY recommend for reading.
My first one is 'What to do when your world is falling apart' By: Richard Exley
It a wonderful book and a short read that was given to me by our Pastor. It really helped me to keep focus on the Lord through good and bad times and to remember that He loves us so much more then we will ever comprehend. Through the very rough and hard times in our life's He will never leave us or forsake us. He will pull us through, just lean on Him.
My second book is 'I Will Carry You' By: Angie Smith
This book came highly recommended by many people at my In-Laws church. In fact we as a family were given several copies. (That should tell you how much this story means to me & just how much I was meant to read it). Angie and her husband Todd (from the Christian singing group Selah) went to their 20 week appointment and received the same news almost to a tee as we did. This book made me ball my eyes out each chapter but helped me just the same for she was telling my story. I didn't think that I would have the courage to read it right away but He gave it to me and I was thankful! Angie also has a blog that she started around the same time in her pregnancy 3 yrs ago. It's called Bring the Rain.The crazy thing is, I met her last fall and had no idea about her story and defiantly had no idea that I would be going though it months later. This is the song that Angie and Todd wrote for their little girl Audrey. It is so fitting and my anthem...
I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you
My third read (that I'm not quite finished with) is 'Beautiful Things Happen When a Woman Trusts God' By: Shelia Walsh
I love this woman! I have had the pleasure to hear her speak twice and got to meet her last December. All I have to say is any woman should pick this book up! Her testimony is awesome! I'm excited to finish this book and talk more about it later.
More importantly of any book that any of us can read is the Bible! I have been pouring over scriptures daily and out of everything this gives me my peace and encouragement that I absolutely long for! Making time for Him during the day is a must and I encourage you all to do so if you're not all ready. He loves you!
Ending with another read for the day: 'Egg Book' By: Golden Books
This is what Josh (Daddy) read to EJ today. I think she liked it because of her movements. :) I love the fact that we are reading to her. It's great for Josh to be able to connect with her. Reading is important at any age!
Hope everyone is having a great weekend! And Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there! Especially EJ's Daddy!
This is the first time that I am actually speaking out to everyone other than our close family & friends. I have had a lot of people ask me over the last few months what was going on with our little baby and how things are. Most of the time I would give just a short answer and move on because it is too hard to talk about and to repeat myself over and over again. So, here goes our story from a few months ago to the present time.
Josh and I along with our moms went to our 20 week check up to find out the baby's gender. Like any other couple we were like 'boy or girl'...soooo exciting! I really never cared what the gender was. I also wanted one of each, so to me I just wanted to hear who this little person was and finally speak the name and go shopping! No one ever told me that the tech would go over ALL the body parts and organs. I guess like any other person I would just ASSUME that of course all of the organs would be there. Josh and I had a book that we read weekly about 'what was growing & how to pray for your baby'....So, we were in the room for not even 2 mins when the tech stopped and said 'I need to go and get your doctor'. I thought 'how odd is that'. The doctor came in and looked at our baby and shook her head and said 'I see no kidneys or bladder', did your water break?' I told them no. They stopped the process and referred us to the hospital that next day for another ultrasound. I went all night drinking more than 15 glasses of water and going to the bathroom on the hour due to thinking that would bring back the fluid for my baby. Not thinking correctly in knowing that with no kidneys or bladder there will never be any anionic fluid for my baby. Let's just say I got no sleep that night!!
We woke up and went to the hospital for our 2nd ultrasound. The tech was very thorough and looked for 45 mins trying hard to find little organs. After looking she went and got the head doctor and brought him back to us. He gently sat us down and told us the news that NO PARENT should EVER hear. 'After looking closely with your baby and barring a miracle your baby will not make it after birth'. BAM a punch in the face. I literally stopped breathing. The room was spinning and the 4 of us just sat there crying. Needless to say I don't remember too much for the coming weeks after that. I remember that a min felt like and hour. Time stood still. Josh took charge like most men would and made calls and emailed family and friends. Josh quickly became my rock, my voice and my protector. I didn't want to talk to anyone. So, maybe this will make sense to some of you, why I didn't talk or wasn't seen around for a while. My heart was broken. Nothing to say. I can also tell you that yes, right now I am more talkative, I have my days that I want to talk and be seen and I have those that I don't. That's completely normal. I can be honest and say with what we are facing that there will be a time again that I may be that person that doesn't want to talk. It's not going to be easy folks!! I will tell you all that EVERY text, email and facebook that came in warmed my heart and made us feel so loved and supported.In the future PLEASE keeps those coming! They are what got us through the day along with all the prayers!
From that day on my life has completely changed for many reasons. When you get hit with news such as ours, it will quickly make you think about how you live your life. I will NEVER take life for granted again. I never took this pregnancy for granted because it's a miracle and a life. But I took everyday things for granted that I now see differently. Also, my personal relationship with my Lord and Savior has changed. I have been a Christian since I was 14 yrs old. This experience has made me change every bit of how I view Him, love Him, talk to Him and want Him. He is my peace. I honestly do not know what people do in difficult times without God. I just cannot fathom it.
So, 10 weeks later and a roller coaster of a life here we are. Today we went in for my 30 week ultrasound and we were ready to meet our little kicker. I already knew going in that the baby was a girl. Just bonding with my baby I could feel it. Mommy's intuition! For the past 10 weeks there hasn't been a day where I haven't prayed/beg the Lord to heal my child. I was really trying to keep an open mind knowing that the diagnosis would probably be the same but was praying for a miracle. The same tech in the same small room that we were in months ago looked and pushed and poked at us. The diagnosis is still the same. She came to the conclusion that since there was still a lack of fluid/and movement with the legs, she didn't see a 'boy part' and was able to tell that we are having a GIRL. Sweet little Evangeline Joy Wilcox. Who Mommy and Daddy love very much and enjoy all the time that we have with her. Not taking a second for granted and loving all of her movements. So, without further ado.... introducing our Princess Evangeline...
Before you were conceived, I wanted you, Before you were born, I loved you. Before you were here an hour, I would die for you. This is the miracle of life. - Maureen Hawkins
Please stay tune for more of my blogs to come! It a great way for me to talk to everyone and to keep all up to date and if you all know of any woman that is going through something similar that needs someone to talk to or just needs encouragement then send them my way. Lots of love!
