Pumpkin Ramblings

Happy Fall to everyone! :) Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in fall, the leaves change into vibrant colors, the crisp air, pumpkins, cider, candles.....I could go on but I think you got the picture. I normally would be very giddy and in your face about my love for this season but I have changed. This year has been the hardest one in my life to get through. Normal things that I would take delight in just don't interest me as much. I constantly feel that something is missing. That something is someone and that someone is my daughter. I by fault am a planner. When I found out I was pregnant last winter I had already planned out all of 2011! Details to what my baby would be for Halloween and placing her under the Christmas tree with the gifts to take cute photos. I look back at that and think "wow, I'm missing everything". My heart breaks at the thought of what I will miss in the coming years. I've tried to avoid some of the things that I normally would do this time of the year but with my closest friends and family they have got me out of my shell. I have enjoyed myself but at the same time it was somewhat forced on my part to "be happy". For me these days to "be happy" I have poured myself into scripture and devotions. Here are somethings I have learned through my readings and what warms my heart and brings back faith to my Father...

These are scriptures on patience:

I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5

I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23

God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11

Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7

These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen  Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.

A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)

Precious Lord,

I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen

For Evangeline Joy,

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!

Mommy & Daddy

Be Bold! Be Strong!

The title of this post comes from a song that the kids at the preschool I use to teach at sing. Imagine 2, 3 and 4 year olds singing "Be BOLD (punch right arm up), Be STRONG(punch left arm up) for the Lord our God is with thee". The second verse goes "I'm am not afraid for the Lord thy God is with thee". I cannot tell you how many times I have sung that with them and not overly thinking of the words as we sing them until now. I went back to work a month ago after being home for 5 months. It was really tough for me for many reasons. I had to move outside of my bubble that I created. I had to be around people again. I felt for a while I wasn't in the "real world" because of the trauma that I was going through. In my head I thought that the rest of the world was moving all around me and I was just standing still. I in my "old" life was very outgoing, never met a stranger type.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit into myself again and what that looks like. Does that make sense? Anyway, back to work...I was given an opportunity to still work for my old employer but in a different role that I'm doing all clerical and not in a classroom setting. It's for the best all around right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I love learning new things. It's good for me to get out each day and have a job and interact with others. I'm learning new boundaries for myself, what I can take and what I can't. My desk sits just outside of the classrooms and regularly I can hear the infants crying/make noises. I remember the first day I heard a cry I knew it was a tiny one making a fuss. I could feel the tears wanting to come through but I forced them back. I literally wanted to run away and hide in a hole. But I didn't...I did the opposite...I ran in! I stood at the door looking in at 5 infants. Two of them are girls that were born within weeks of Evangeline. I peered in their cribs but I did not touch. I went to the boys. (Safer for now, I thought). There was a little girl that I refer to as Miss. Smiley. I was drawn to her because she kept looking at me and smiling with her little gums. I melted! I just had to pick her up. The teacher in the room told me that Miss. Smiley was a twin and that her brother had passed during birth. There was our first connection and I believe that at that moment I needed her and she needed me. I sat down with her and held my first infant sense Evangeline. WOW! Talk about being bold and strong...there it is!! God gave me that peace and comfort to go on in there to see their faces. Let's face it, I'm drawn to babies and will always be. I can't help it. It's in my DNA! There us so much more that I can talk about sense I haven't updated in a month.I just wanted to share this experience with you. I promise I'll let go of my feelings more because this blogging thing is very therapeutic!

~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~

Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!

Just Ask!

Boy has my mind been racing this week! Lots of thoughts and feelings flying around in my little cranium. As I mentioned last week that I was missing my little one badly with it being my due date an all, well it carried into the weekend and now this week. I do a good job not always showing my emotions in front of people. I tend to put on a brave front and then when I'm at home I have my break downs. I'm not sure that it's the best way to handle things but again I'm new at this. I told Josh this past week that I've felt down in many different ways about missing Evangeline. The one that has hit me the hardest is wanting people to talk to me about her. That's right I said WANTING! I'll get back to (me) in a moment. Two days after I told Josh what I was feeling I received a letter in the mail. It was from a mommy that had lost her little baby boy two years ago. She was writing to offer her condolences but also to share how she has been these past two years. She told me of her hurts and about moving on again (with more babies) and then she said..."my family and friends don't even talk to me about him anymore". "They don't ask about how he was or ask to see pictures of him and it hurts". I thought "Whoa, is this her or me writing this". It's both of us. Us mommies that have lost little ones are in a "club" that we didn't choose to be in. We don't care to be in. But we are in it for our remaining days on this earth. Our connection outside of talking to God and asking Him to love on and tell our little ones how much they mean to us and that we love them are our photos and stories. If you didn't know me and you saw me in passing, you wouldn't know that I am a Mom. Other then my jewelry (that you would have to get up close to me to see) I have nothing else to show for it. That saddens me to no end!

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, not pointing blame, not calling anyone out and not trying to build a platform for a soap box. I'm just asking each of you that read this blog to do one thing this week. I want each of you that know someone that has lost a child to take a moment and ask them about their little one. Ask them to see their "brag book" (all of us mommies I'm sure carry something). Take time to love on that little one's memory and just be an encouragement. And I realize that maybe not all mom's feel comfortable with people asking them questions. Just fill out the situation and go from there. Pray!!  All of us mommies that are without their child are still hurting and long to have that little one in their arms to love on. I absolutely want and miss that. Oh, how I miss that!!!

Thanks for letting me vent! Lots of Love to all of you! Till next time...

Missing Her...

Today was my due date for Evangeline. I've been pretty somber most of the day. I think a lot of that has to so with the fact that I sometimes cannot believe that she isn't with me physically anymore. I just miss her so bad! A lot of close friends and of course my family all knew what today is for us. I have been receiving lots of encouragement today from them all. It's such a blessing to me to have awesome people in my life that are there for us in the thick of things. This morning after a night of fun with two great friends at the Hillsong concert (which I'm so grateful that I had the opportunity to go), I woke up to a text from a friend and this is what it said....


" Katie, God has been placing you on my heart today. What are your prayer request today?"  I then respond back to her on my request and then she sent me this back "Wow, God is so incredible! He gave me a word for you. "Ask my peace my peace I give to you. I am your rock, I am your salvation. I have plans to prosper you not to harm you. Continue to place your hope in me and my will will be done in you".

God loves us so much! He loves on me each and everyday. I was open to Him all day, which I should be at all times in everyday but I fall short on that. With that openness He gave me that message with hope and love written out for me in my time of need. I'm tearing up right now with the knowledge of just how much He loves you and me. No matter how much I love Evangeline, He loves her so much more then I can fathom. I know she is right there with Him. Being loved by Him and learning so much from Him. He takes care of His children.

To Evangeline Joy Wilcox, Mommy and Daddy love you so much sweet girl! You mean the world to us and there isn't one day that goes my that we  don't miss you, mourn you and think of you a million times. I know you are in a much better place then this old world could ever have given you. You are our Angel Baby, apple of our eye and our heart. We are so proud to be your parents and cannot wait for the day that I can look into that face of yours in Heaven.

Ok, time for me to grab the tissues. Thank you for reading, loving us and encouraging us in this journey. God bless you all!

Baby Steps

Hi Friends!


As promised I am sharing about our visit with our niece Adia. We went to visit her and her Mommy and Daddy this past Sunday. Josh and I were excited to see Adia and to get acquainted with her again. Along with the excitement we were a tad bit nervous about how we would feel about playing with and holding a baby again.  The only thing I can say is that God truly had His hand in the whole day. Adia is such a good baby! I loved talking to her and watching what she's into now. During the day I thought about EJ a lot but I wasn't upset about it, like I thought I might be. The only sad feeling I had is the "what would have been" with EJ. How I wouldn't see EJ  grow up and to be able to cherish each step with her. Like I said God was there and He was in control of my feelings. He made the day! :)


I'm so glad that we took that "baby step" to see our little niece. She has grown so much sense we last saw her. She sits up on her own, jabbers, claps,laughs and cuddles. She gave me that absolute love and passion that I have always had for babies again. I'm not as scared to see a baby now. That doesn't change my hurt or longing. It just makes it easier. 


Here are some cute photos of Adia with her Uncle J and I. Enjoy! 

                                                 I love the little hand on my leg! Melts my heart!

                                                   Trying to figure out Uncle J

                                                                I love squeezes!!

Thanks for taking the time to read this entry! May God bless each and everyone of you! 

A beautiful little poem...

I found this poem on another Mother's blog...Bring your tissues!

What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.'


But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.


I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say:
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."


So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.


So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize
You are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

-Jennifer Wasik

Oh, how He loves me!

Hello All!

It's been a while sense my last post. Sometimes I have bright ideas on what to write or I have so much feelings to share but I've been kind of blank last couple of weeks. I wanted to share of a book that I just finished last week. It's called Heaven is for Real By: Todd Burpo. This book is based on Todd's son Colton's experience in his brief but eye opening experience in Heaven. I desperately wanted to read it for not only more of a glimpse of Heaven, which the Bible gives us bits and pieces but also to see what Evangeline sees. I'm not going to go into too many details because I really want to encourage each of you to get a copy and read it for yourselves. I do want to say I long more for eternity now then I ever have before. I can't wait to see Jesus! I can't wait to see His eyes! Colton talks a lot about His eyes in the book. For a 4 year old to long to see those eyes again, they must be something! :) It blesses me to read what Colton says about Jesus loving His children. We always have sung the song 'Jesus loves the little children' but now I can honestly say I know that I KNOW He loves His children! So awesome!

I've been receiving from God 'the peace that surpasses all understanding'. I have always heard that expression  throughout life but until now do I truly know what that means and what that feels like. It is the best feeling to have. Just knowing that He loves me that much to give me so much peace to get through my day is amazing to me. He gives what a loving father would give to his child when needed. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her so much or cry a lot about her but each day gets better. God has given me the courage to continue on and share our story on our daughter. I love talking about her!

This weekend I'm going to see my niece Adia for the first time sense getting the news on Evangeline. It has been hard on me to see or be around babies, understandably so. I always said when I felt ready Adia would be my first baby to see. I'm excited and a little nervous. It's going to be so good to see her and for me to be able to move on. I think the hardest part is missing Evangeline while being with Adia. When I think of Adia I think of the 'what things would be like with the two cousins.' Rachel and I had so many plans for the two of them. That's what hurts the most the 'what would have been's'. But like I said in my last blog that Josh lovingly  tells me-'think on the what we will have again' not on the 'what we don't have'. Because we do have a little one. We were so blessed to have had her too.

Ok, I think I have rambled on enough for today. I will update and share pics of my visit with Miss Adia soon.

Till next time, friends.... :)