Encouragement for all...

Hi Friends and Family!

It's been a couple of months sense my last blog. I've had a bit of writer's block. I got a gift from a friend of mine for Christmas, it is a devotional called "Jesus Calling; enjoying peace in His presence". I highly recommend everyone to pick up a copy if you do not have one or give one as a gift. I know that there are a lot of people out there that may be reading this that has had a hard time with life or may be going through something right now. Don't we all? As I have been thinking and praying for so many people this year I thought that for the next few weeks or however long that I will update this blog with words from Jesus Calling. Everyone needs encouragement daily, right? Most importantly we all need to draw closer to our Lord. He desires that from us.


February 27

KEEP YOUR EYES ON ME! Waves of adversity are washing over you, and you feel tempted to give up. As your circumstances consume more and more and more of your attention, you are losing sight of Me. Yet I am with you always, holding you by your right hand. I am fully aware of your situation, and I will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able to bear.
      You gravest danger is worrying about tomorrow. If you try to carry tomorrow's burdens today, you will stagger under the load and eventually fall flat. You must discipline yourself to live within the boundaries of today. It is in the present moment that I walk close to you, helping you carry your burdens. Keep your focus on My Presence in that moment.

Scriptures for the day:

Psalm :73:23 and 1 Corinthians 10:13


Lots of Love!

The "First" Holidays...

Hey Friends!

I hope this message finds everyone well & happy! :) I haven't posted anything in a while, so I figured I would write about Thanksgiving and the up & coming Christmas. Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as I thought it would be this year. Josh and I missed Evangeline a ton but we made the best of it with our family. My Mom and I did our annual Black Friday shopping (12 years and running). Most years I count down the months to Black Friday but this year I really didn't care to go out. My Mom (who hates the mall) told me I was going, that right there is love! It was hard for me because this whole holiday season thing plays a lot in my head about last year and how excited I was to find out I was pregnant and planning for the future. I was excited about buying lots of toys, books and little clothes for my little one. And there I was watching all the other mommy's shopping for their kids like I did the year before and the year before that... I'm not going to lying and say that the first week or two of this month I didn't suffer through a lot of bitterness. I truly feel robbed in my experiences of my first child. God knows my thoughts and my heart. He hears my plead. I told Josh I didn't want to put up a tree this year. I didn't want to feel the happiness in what that use to bring me. Luckily I have a husband that did listen to me & my feelings but for my own good, he put the tree up anyway. I'm glad that he did because we have 5 beautiful ornaments for Evangeline on the tree. They are all beautiful and unique in their own way and were given to us from different family members. I'm trying REALLY hard to be happy this Christmas! There will be a big piece missing from us but I know that she is having her first Christmas with our Lord. Her Christmas will be a million times better then what we could have given her here.

I praying that all of you have a wonderful and blessed Christmas with your family! If you have little ones, take the time to soak up the day with them. Enjoy them. Love on them. :) I'm praying for a very happy & healthy and full of good news New Year for us all!!

Till next time!! Merry Christmas!!! XOXO

Katie

Sad but true...Infant loss Facts

Infant Loss

Borrowed from Pray Without Ceasing (who came across it on another blog). There is a lot of truth in this that I think it's important for people to hear.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

(Laura Schubert of New Berlin is a mother, teacher and two-time breast cancer survivor).

Beating Hearts

Hi Everyone! I was reading a fellow Mommy's blog the other day and I came across this sign. I knew I had to have it! The day before reading this I was talking to Josh about EJ's heartbeat and how strong it was. Every appointment we went to her heart rate was 177 or 165. Josh and I this past year for Valentine's Day went to Build A Bear to make EJ her own bear with a recording of her heartbeat. That is something that is so precious to me to have now. I will always know what it sounded like. When I went to make up my blog I thought for days on what I should call it. One day it dawned on me "Two Hearts". It's for hers and mine. How I loved to hear her little beating heart,and the entire time she was being soothed by mine. Carrying a child is the most precious gift a woman can ever receive physically. EVER!! Never take for granted ladies, the fact that you can conceive and carry a healthy child. It is a blessing and a miracle! :)

Pumpkin Ramblings

Happy Fall to everyone! :) Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. My birthday is in fall, the leaves change into vibrant colors, the crisp air, pumpkins, cider, candles.....I could go on but I think you got the picture. I normally would be very giddy and in your face about my love for this season but I have changed. This year has been the hardest one in my life to get through. Normal things that I would take delight in just don't interest me as much. I constantly feel that something is missing. That something is someone and that someone is my daughter. I by fault am a planner. When I found out I was pregnant last winter I had already planned out all of 2011! Details to what my baby would be for Halloween and placing her under the Christmas tree with the gifts to take cute photos. I look back at that and think "wow, I'm missing everything". My heart breaks at the thought of what I will miss in the coming years. I've tried to avoid some of the things that I normally would do this time of the year but with my closest friends and family they have got me out of my shell. I have enjoyed myself but at the same time it was somewhat forced on my part to "be happy". For me these days to "be happy" I have poured myself into scripture and devotions. Here are somethings I have learned through my readings and what warms my heart and brings back faith to my Father...

These are scriptures on patience:

I wait expectantly, trusting God to help, for He has promised. - Psalm 130:5

I am the Lord; no one who waits for my help will be disappointed. -Isaiah 49:23

God makes everything happen at the right time. - Ecclesiates 3:11

Entrust your ways to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will act on your behalf.- Psalm 37:5

But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. - Micah 7:7

These are embedded in my heart. I am His and He only knows what is right for me. I know this above everthing but for me it's a daily reminder when the ememy attacks. Part of a prayer for patience I read states: "Help me to grow up, Lord, in the area of waiting patiently. Sometimes I can be like a child who wants what she wants when she wants it, but I want to grow beyond that stage. Help me not jump ahead of your provision, not to be presumptuous when I think you're late, and not to take over when I think you've lost control." Amen  Oh, boy! How many times have you all thought "you're late God"?! I won't even begin to count! I'm sitting here at 31 years of age. If you would have asked me 12 years ago at my high school graduation "Katie, where do you see yourself in 12 years"? I would have said "married to a Godly man, stay at home mom with 4 kids". Well, I am married to a Godly man and I have 1 beautiful baby girl in heaven. I'm patiently waiting on my other 3 to get here. God knows my desires. I loved my babies before ever even thinking it was time to try.

A prayer for contentment and then I'm done with my Ramblings... ;)

Precious Lord,

I sure feel assaulted sometimes by joy thieves and peace thieves. I'm missing out on the joy in my daily chores, because I'm not doing them as if I'm working for you. I'm missing out on the peace in my journey, because I'm not receiving your gift of satisfaction in the mildstones. Instead, I'm scrambeling from ride to ride, anxious about what I might be missing, thinking everyone else must be having a better time than me. Help me to just sit down for a minute, look at where I have just come from, and say to you: "Thanks for that ride". Amen

For Evangeline Joy,

Mommy and Daddy miss you so much! There isn't a minute of a day that doesn't go by that we don't think of you. You are the most precious gift from God. You'll always be our 'lil pumpkin!

Mommy & Daddy

Be Bold! Be Strong!

The title of this post comes from a song that the kids at the preschool I use to teach at sing. Imagine 2, 3 and 4 year olds singing "Be BOLD (punch right arm up), Be STRONG(punch left arm up) for the Lord our God is with thee". The second verse goes "I'm am not afraid for the Lord thy God is with thee". I cannot tell you how many times I have sung that with them and not overly thinking of the words as we sing them until now. I went back to work a month ago after being home for 5 months. It was really tough for me for many reasons. I had to move outside of my bubble that I created. I had to be around people again. I felt for a while I wasn't in the "real world" because of the trauma that I was going through. In my head I thought that the rest of the world was moving all around me and I was just standing still. I in my "old" life was very outgoing, never met a stranger type.  Now I'm trying to figure out how to fit into myself again and what that looks like. Does that make sense? Anyway, back to work...I was given an opportunity to still work for my old employer but in a different role that I'm doing all clerical and not in a classroom setting. It's for the best all around right now. I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I love learning new things. It's good for me to get out each day and have a job and interact with others. I'm learning new boundaries for myself, what I can take and what I can't. My desk sits just outside of the classrooms and regularly I can hear the infants crying/make noises. I remember the first day I heard a cry I knew it was a tiny one making a fuss. I could feel the tears wanting to come through but I forced them back. I literally wanted to run away and hide in a hole. But I didn't...I did the opposite...I ran in! I stood at the door looking in at 5 infants. Two of them are girls that were born within weeks of Evangeline. I peered in their cribs but I did not touch. I went to the boys. (Safer for now, I thought). There was a little girl that I refer to as Miss. Smiley. I was drawn to her because she kept looking at me and smiling with her little gums. I melted! I just had to pick her up. The teacher in the room told me that Miss. Smiley was a twin and that her brother had passed during birth. There was our first connection and I believe that at that moment I needed her and she needed me. I sat down with her and held my first infant sense Evangeline. WOW! Talk about being bold and strong...there it is!! God gave me that peace and comfort to go on in there to see their faces. Let's face it, I'm drawn to babies and will always be. I can't help it. It's in my DNA! There us so much more that I can talk about sense I haven't updated in a month.I just wanted to share this experience with you. I promise I'll let go of my feelings more because this blogging thing is very therapeutic!

~ But Jesus looked at them and said, "with men it is impossible, but not with God;for with God all things are possible. Mark 10:27~

Thanks for reading! Till next time!! God bless!

Just Ask!

Boy has my mind been racing this week! Lots of thoughts and feelings flying around in my little cranium. As I mentioned last week that I was missing my little one badly with it being my due date an all, well it carried into the weekend and now this week. I do a good job not always showing my emotions in front of people. I tend to put on a brave front and then when I'm at home I have my break downs. I'm not sure that it's the best way to handle things but again I'm new at this. I told Josh this past week that I've felt down in many different ways about missing Evangeline. The one that has hit me the hardest is wanting people to talk to me about her. That's right I said WANTING! I'll get back to (me) in a moment. Two days after I told Josh what I was feeling I received a letter in the mail. It was from a mommy that had lost her little baby boy two years ago. She was writing to offer her condolences but also to share how she has been these past two years. She told me of her hurts and about moving on again (with more babies) and then she said..."my family and friends don't even talk to me about him anymore". "They don't ask about how he was or ask to see pictures of him and it hurts". I thought "Whoa, is this her or me writing this". It's both of us. Us mommies that have lost little ones are in a "club" that we didn't choose to be in. We don't care to be in. But we are in it for our remaining days on this earth. Our connection outside of talking to God and asking Him to love on and tell our little ones how much they mean to us and that we love them are our photos and stories. If you didn't know me and you saw me in passing, you wouldn't know that I am a Mom. Other then my jewelry (that you would have to get up close to me to see) I have nothing else to show for it. That saddens me to no end!

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, not pointing blame, not calling anyone out and not trying to build a platform for a soap box. I'm just asking each of you that read this blog to do one thing this week. I want each of you that know someone that has lost a child to take a moment and ask them about their little one. Ask them to see their "brag book" (all of us mommies I'm sure carry something). Take time to love on that little one's memory and just be an encouragement. And I realize that maybe not all mom's feel comfortable with people asking them questions. Just fill out the situation and go from there. Pray!!  All of us mommies that are without their child are still hurting and long to have that little one in their arms to love on. I absolutely want and miss that. Oh, how I miss that!!!

Thanks for letting me vent! Lots of Love to all of you! Till next time...